Attack Of The Cliches!
by NotToBeMessedWith
Summary: Sick of overly cliched Twilight fics? Well, here's your chance to laugh at exactly how stupid they are! A new cliche whenever I can! Now featuring cliches written by our readers! I do love being cruel... T for some swearing. And remember to hate on Jake!
1. Introduction

---drumroll---

Hello, and welcome to ATTACK OF THE CLICHES!!!

I'm Elise (NotToBeMessedWith) along with my alter-ego, Mallory (SpazzAttack)!

We're here to be your writers!

Now, I'm probably not alone in thinking that some of these Twilight fanfic ideas are RIDICULOUSLY overused. SO clichéd. And so ATTACK OF THE CLICHES was born!

Each week we will feature one extremely annoying cliché to you, our lovely readers. We have a list that we are building from, but if you have ideas, review them to us!!

Happy Cliché Reading!

Elise and Mallory


	2. Pregnant Bella

**Welcome back to Attack of the Clichés! Our cliché this week is ****Bella gets Pregnant****. Now, I DO NOT mind the stories that use this topic, but only if they describe WHY she is pregnant and come up with a good explanation of HOW. Also, Bella does not take a pregnancy test. Why would she has ANY reason to??**

**Anyway, on with the cliché!**

Bella Gets Pregnant

Bella: Wow, I screwed Edward last night, and it was fun! WHOO! I think, just for fun, I'll take a preganacy test!

--takes test, it's posistive—

Bella: Like, Oh My God! I'm pregnant even though vampires aren't supposed to have children!! I gotta tell Edward!

--goes to Edward—

Bella: Edward, I'm, like, preggo!

Edward: OMC! I'm so ridiculously happy even though this was never supposed to happen, so the most likely scenario is that you cheated on me! Let's see Carlisle!

--Carlisle randomly appears—

Edward: Carlisle, Bella's pregnant! We aren't sure how. Can you tell us?

Carlisle: No, I have no good explanation, even though I am a hugely proficient doctor who has also read all about vampire lore! It's just a happy miracle!

Bella: Let's just be happy and not worry about the fact that I'm going to be giving birth to a half-human half-vampire hybrid!

All: HOORAY!!!!

**And that concludes this week's cliché! Tune in next week for the next one – Edward Cheats On Bella!**

**Elise and Mallory**


	3. Edward Cheats

**Guess WHAT! I bet you're gonna love me for this. By the way, it's Mallory. I've hijacked Elise's computer so I can post the NEXT CHAPPIE! It's just too much fun to abandon for a week! I – **

**-- Elise bursts through door, knocks Mal out with a salmon--**

**Sorry, it's Elise. She's just a teeeeeny bit hyper. Anyway, on with the chapter!**

Edward Cheats On Bella

Bella: I think I'll visit Edward, like I do every day.

--Skips to Cullen house, sees Edward making out with hot she-vampire--

Bella: Edward, how could you?

Hot She-Vampire: Who the hell are you?

Edward: I'm sorry Bella, I've just decided that even though I nearly killed myself over your "death" and we're engaged, I'd rather date a vampire I've been ignoring for 100 years.

Bella: NOOOO!

Hot She-Vampire: Whatever. --Makes out with Edward--

--Bella sobs in corner--

Edward: WAIT! I changed my mind. Bella, I love you for all eternity even though I blatantly cheated on your to pleasure myself.

Bella: YAY! I'm gonna make out with you now, even though you pleasured yourself with another woman!

--Bella and Edward make out--

Hot She-Vampire: What the fuck?

**And that concludes our latest installment! Tune in next time for our upcoming cliché – Edward Leaves, Bella Bitten!**

**Elise and Mallory**


	4. Bella Bitten

**WHOO, I'm on a roll, aren't I? Whatever. Here y'all go!**

**Oh yes, my lovely reviewers – I LUV YA!! MWAHAHAHA – hang on a bit. I need to calm Mallory before she breaks the comp.**

**Enjoy!**

**Oh yes, the disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, do you honestly think I would still stay in high school?**

Edward Leaves, Bella Bitten

Bella: SOB! Edward left me!! I've been a zombie for like 7 months. But now I feel good-ish. I'm going for a walk.

--walks, meets Victoria--

Bella: YOU!

Victoria: Yes, it is I! And I am going to bite you, because miraculously, your werewolf guard is like, nowhere to be found!

Bella: NOO!

--Victoria bites Bella--

--Somewhere far, far away--

Alice: Wow. Even though I have my visions ALL the time, I didn't see the terrible thing I feel might have happened to Bella!

--3 days later--

Bella: I am a vampire! Even though I am now immortal and want to be a vegetarian 'cause I don't want to eat people, I WON'T hang out with the greatest coven of them! Instead, I'll be a loner for like the next 50 years! And Charlie won't question why! Or Jake, Angela…

--50 years later, Bella and Edward bump into each other--

Edward: Like, OMC, BELLA!

Bella: EDWARD! How, like, weird!

Edward: You are a vampire! Wow!

Bella: Like, yeah, right? I missed you!

Edward: Now that you're not human, I can make out with you! I still love you even though I didn't come looking for you for 50 years and I somehow missed the fact that you disappeared!

Bella: And I'll take you back just because I love you even though I decided to be a loner for 50 years and you abandoned me!

Alice: Like, wow! I totally missed this in my visions, even though I ALWAYS watch out for my "best friend".

All: HOORAY!

**Well, that concludes this segment of "Attack of the Clichés! I might not get much chance to update soon, so I love you all! REVIEW SO I FEEL LOVED!!**

**--Mallory shoves over Elise—AND ME! DON'T FORGET ME!!!!!!**

**Hokay, tata! The next will be "Bella picked Jake"!**


	5. BellaxJake

**WHOO! I'm baaaaa-ack! God, 3 tests and a quiz in 2 days like, FRYS your brain. Both our brains. So anyway, I'm going to despise this cliché. YES, all of you people out there, ELISE IS A PROUD JACOBHATER!!!!**

**So enjoy the fic, Jakelovers, cuz if we ever get our paws on him, Jake will be no more.**

**Disclaimer: I wish, I WISH I owned Twilight and all its characters. But since my birth certificate clearly says "Elise A. U (will not post last name)" and not "Stephenie Meyer", I don't.**

Bella Picked Jake

--In Edward's Room--

Bella: Edward, I have to tell you something.

Edward: Yes, the love of my entire existence who you know I would kill myself over?

Bella: Jake's way hotter and nicer! Bye! I'm going to go marry him!

Edward: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Bella: Yes!

--Bella skips off to Jake's leaving Edward in a fetal position, planning his suicide--

Bella: Knock knock!

Jake: Bella?

Bella: YEAH! I've come back to you even though I cut your heart into about 20,000 pieces and you nearly ruined what I had with Edward!

Jake: Like, OMG! I love you, Bella! WHOO-HOO!

Bella: And I love you even though you didn't imprint on me and probably will pull a Sam to my Leah! Joyness!

--Bella and Jake make out--

**You have no idea how much I hated writing this, so if it isn't as good, I apologize (Mallory: ME DOS!) Anyway, I love you all, so please read and review! Oh yes, the flamer – flames will be used to slow-roast Jake on a spit!**

**Toodles!**

**Elise and Mallory**


	6. Happy Engagement

**Aww, I feel bad. I forgot to tell you what the upcoming one was. Anyway, it's already here, so no harm done. This one is particularly irritating, 'cause there's no way in hell it would ever happen. Enjoy reading "Charlie Engagement-Happy"!**

**Whoopie!!**

**Disclaimer: I own everything!**

**Stephenie: What? No, I DO!**

**Me: It was worth a shot.**

**WARNING: ECLIPSE SPOILERS AHEAD**

Charlie Engagement-Happy

Bella: Let's tell Charlie we're getting married!

Edward: Oh boy!

--drives to Swan house--

Bella: Charlie, guess what? Edward and I are getting married in, like, a month!

Edward: Pleasedon'tshootmepleasedon'tshootme…

Charlie: YAY! Congratulations!!

Edward: …

Charlie: I totally support this even though my own young marriage with Renee screwed up the rest of my life and I am miserable and alone!

Bella: YAY!! OMG!! Like, OMC!

Charlie: And Edward! Oh, even though you turned my daughter into a zombie for seven months and I despise you with every fiber of my being, I WANT YOU TO BE MY SON-IN-LAW!!

All: HIP HIP HOORAY!!

**Whoop! I hate fics like this. There is NO reason AT ALL Charlie would be happy. Bella describes telling him as, and I quote "highly dangerous" and "good thing you're [Edward bulletproof". I mean, JEEZZZ!!**

**Anyway, tatafornow! ELISE AND MALLORY**


	7. SuperBella

**And so I return, with my third update of the night. That is a personal record! So I feel bad again for not listing the upcoming in the last chapter. Oh well.**

**Now, this is a particularly irritating cliché because it has no validity at all. Man oh man it drives me nuts. So here – enjoy it while it lasts.**

**Disclaimer: **

**--To random person on the street—Am I Stephenie Meyer?**

**Person: No…**

**Me: Damn it**

Bella Super-Vampire

Bella: WHOO-HOO, I am bitten! I am now a vampire!

Edward: Hooray! But wait… --sniffsniff—Bella, there is an innocent human coming! RUN, my sweet!

Bella: --sniffsniff—But I do not smell anything

Jasper: Huzzah! She is immune to human blood!

Bella: Like, OMC! It's a miracle! Yippee! Now I don't have to stay away from friends and family even though I have clearly changed in huge ways and probably should go into hiding anyway!

Carlisle: Hmm, I wonder, Bella, what is your power?

Bella: Like, IDK! Let's see…

--starts reading minds, seeing the future, controlling emotions and a zillion other things all at once--

Carlisle: By Jove! Bella is the most powerful vampire in the world!

Bella: Cool! I mean, even though I was a typical human other that my relationship with Edward, I have been given freakish powers for no apparent reason!

All: JOY OF JOYS!

**God, these fics piss me off. Anyhow, and so ends the latest installment of ATTACK OF THE CLICHES. Read and Review, and I – WE'LL update ASAP.**

**Don't you just love making fun of other people's work?**

**ELISE AND MALLORY**

**(Flames will be used to deep fry Lissa from MR2)**


	8. Truth or Dare

**And so we return! I have received SO MANY requests for Truth or Dare, and it was next on the list! WHOOPIE! So here it is – The ****Attack of the Clichés**** version of Truth or Dare!! –big band music—**

**And the funny is – GO READ ANY OF THEM! They are THAT stupid!**

**So enjoy!! YAHOOTIE!**

**Disclaimer: **

**--pleading with Steph—Can't I at least have Edward? PLEASE!!??**

**Steph: No.**

Truth or Dare

Edward: Hey Bella, do you want to play a ridiculously human game even though we're vampires so we have so much better things to do?

Bella: Like, OK, even though I'll surely embarrass myself!

Edward: Cool, so we'll be playing Truth or Dare! This will totally be awesome even though Alice already knows exactly what will happen, I can read it off her mind, and Jasper can sense other people's emotions and will probably be in a fetal position by the time we are done!

Bella: HOORAY!

--at the Cullen house--

Alice: Ok, Jasper, Truth or Dare even though I know exactly what you'll pick and what I'll say?

Jasper: Dare!

Alice: Ok, I'll dare you something completely retarded that uses your vampire powers so obviously the game could never be fair to Bella… I dare you to make Mike cry like a little girl!

Jasper: Hooray! I get to pick on the poor human boy who is practically destroyed in all the Truth or Dare fics!

--makes Mike sob—

Jasper: Emmett, truth or dare?

--continues with repeatedly overused Mike bashing and things to make Edward and Bella get hot and heavy—

Bella: Joy, that was fun even though you all emotionally scarred my human friend, used your vampire powers so blatantly obviously that you should be discovered by anyone with half a brain, and tried to get Edward to go over his personal limit and screw me!

Rose: Indeed. Let's do it again next week!

All: WHOOPIE!

**And so ends the latest installment. Sorry Rose has an OOC moment – I just felt to need to throw her in somewhere.**

**The next cliché will be AIM with the Cullens, which is seriously getting on my last nerve. Anyway, R&R! Props to those of you who review all the time – I love you all and am grateful for the support (Mallory: Me too, me too!)**

**Flames will be used to launch the rocket to outer space I've tied Jake to.**

**ELISE AND MALLORY**


	9. YAIMSN

**And now, for one of the most annoying clichés of all…**

**AIM/MSN/YAHOO, which I am renaming YAIMSN!**

**These drive me absolutely I-N-S-A-N-E. Ridiculously overused and not at all valid in any way, shape or form. So now, its bashing time has cometh!**

**BRING IT ON, FLAMERS! Your flames will be used to blow up your computers with a rocket which has Jake tied to it!**

**Love you!**

**Disclaimer: I wish, I wish, I was, a fish. I wish, I wish, I was a Stephenie Meyer fish, but alas, whishes never come true –le sob—**

YAIMSN

**VampireVolvo**_ has signed on_

PsychicVampire _has signed on_

**Iambella**___has signed on_

_**BuffVampireDude**__ has signed on_

**Iambella: Wow, totally unobvious sn's guys!**

**VampireVolvo: What are these "sn"s of which you speak? Because even though I have lived for 100 years and can't sleep, I have never used (insert name of screenname service here).**

PsychicVampire: Totally, and we, like totally, like, have never even used this before and, like, totally do not, like, have, like, obvious names!

_**BuffVampireDude: Yeah, it's Emmett, and I'm going to act like a total crap-for-brains like I do in all these fics!I'll go call the Volturi!**_

**VampireVolvo: NO YOU DON'T!**

_VampireVolvo has, even though he has never used YAIMSN before, magically modified his log-off thing to say he is going to kill Emmett now._

_Iammike__ has signed on_

_Iammike: Wow, cool names! I totally don't get the vampire reference even though it's screamingly obvious because I am a weak and pathetic human!_

_Iammike: Bella, will you marry me?_

_Iambella has also magically modified her YAIMSN log-off to say she is running away, even though if she had had YAIMSN before now, Edward would have known about it and gotten one too._

PsychicVampire: This is like, so cool to use even though we all have super vampire hearing and live in the same house!

_Iammike has logged-off to woo Bella (yet another magic modification)_

_PsychicVampire has logged-off to drag Bella on a shopping spree (yes, another modification)_

**WHOO! That was fun. Again, I apologize for Alice's Valley-girl-ness, but it was needed for entertainment purposes. So anyway, flame me all you want – I will wipe out your computers (and Jake) with a fiery blast!**

**R&R, my loveys!**

**ELISE (Mallory is temporarily in therapy after an incident involving a squirrel, my cross country coach, and some pinecones)**


	10. BellaAliceRose

**DADADA, DADADA, DADADAAAAAAA! The 100****th**** review is in!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Mallory is back in therapy after an incident involving the 500-pound pig from our Vo-Ag program that my teammates and I "accidentally" let loose on school grounds… whoops. ;-)**

**So, anyway, the list of clichés is winding down, so I'll be using more suggestions. If you have one (and it better be a REAL cliché or else I'll feel bad for bashing it… and you wouldn't want that, would you?) review it to me in this chapter. NO OTHER CHAPTER- I'll be looking for it here.**

**So our next cliché unfolds… in ROSEALICEBELLA! The zany and "so original" cliché in which Bella switches places with Alice and Rose, suggested by an anonymous friend of mine.**

**Enjoy it! And Mallory says… uh… "Pig, no… DON'T EAT MY SHOES!"**

**Disclaimer: If I was Steph Meyer, I wouldn't need a disclaimer, now would I?**

RoseAliceBella

Alice/Rose: Look at me! I am a human girl who is oddly similar to another girl called "Bella Swan"! I'm going to have adventures that follow the "Twilight" plotline exceedingly closely and will be extremely tedious to my readers!

Bella: Hi! I am a hot vampire now who is either super angsty or wayyyy too peppy! I'm just like Alice/Rose, except I'm Edward's lover!

Alice/Rose: Like, I just showed up at Forks High, and I have fallen for Jasper/Emmett, except he seems to hate me!

Jasper/Emmett: That is because I am a vampire (crowd: le gasp! We SOOO didn't se that coming at all!)

Alice/Rose: Whoo! I'm dating a hot vampire now! –glomps on to Jasper/Emmett—

Bella: Wow. I have two options depending on who has replaced Stephenie Meyer's main character – I will either be, like, totally BFFs with Alice/Rose, or I will wish her eradicated from this earth! And Edward will be so sappy to me because I am a hot vampire who adores him!

Alice/Rose: Le sob! Because my adventures are completely unoriginal and are a total theft to a smarter person's plot, Jasper/Emmett has left me and I am angsty and alone! (But secretly, I am falling for a werewolf best friend… let's call him "Blake")

Carlisle, in solemn voice: And so continue the exceedingly tedious adventures of Alice/Rose, which shouldn't even be allowed because it totally steals Stephenie Meyer's plotline. –walks away with a swish of curtain—

**Haha, dramatic music should accompany the end – dum, dum, DUM. This was a rather amusing little thing. Ah well. Mallory also recommened to never let out 500-pound pigs!**

**R&R! Flames will be used to stir-fry chopped Jake over the scorched remains of BellaVampire and human Alice/Rose.**

**-----ELISE**


	11. JasperxBella

**And so I return, after a stressful weekend of taking care of Mal (who still won't go near anything pig related), doing projects I've put off for weeks, and running championships. But anyhow, naught could keep me from my clichés and my beloved readers!**

**I'm so happy. I have so many fans!**

**So here it is, one requested by many (and on our master list), ****Jasper Falls For Bella****. You can interchange the name for Emmett if you want, but I see these more often.**

**Just as a warning – I received a review which proposed to bash an UN-clichéd idea. I refuse to do that. Seriously, you guys, flick through and see how often one pops up before you put it up for bashing.**

**Ok, so here you go! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: -begs parents to change name to Stephenie Meyer- PLEASE! I WANT TO OWN TWILIGHT!**

**(While this begging is in progress, I so do not own)**

Jasper Falls For Bella

Jasper: Bella… I have something to confess… Even though I was against Edward dating you, and have been with Alice for over 60 years, I LOVE YOU!

Bella: Like, OMC! Even though I have pledged myself to Edward, became a walking dead when he left, and have know you for a long time, I have just randomly fallen for you!

Jasper: Whooo-hooo!

--Jasper and Bella make out--

Edward: Hi Bella, I'm ba-what the HELL!?

Bella: Edward, I've decided to abandon you for your brother! He's way sexier!

Edward: NOOOOO!

Alice: Wow, I didn't see this in my visions. Oh well, I guess I'll just lay claim to Edward, even though I could've taken him years ago over Jasper, and my longtime hubby has just ditched my for my best friend!

Edward: --sniffle—Oh well, at least I can actually get some action with Alice!

--Edward and Alice make out--

Esme: Aww, how cute! My son just stole my other son's love, and then my daughter turns right around and makes out with the brokenhearted one! This is so sweet and not totally retarded at all!

All: Yippee! Make-out time!

**Whoo! Such an original topic… NOT! How would Alice not see this coming when she keeps such a close eye on Jasper AND Bella!? And do you seriously believe she would just step aside? (if you do, you need some medication, my friend)**

**Anyway, Mallory should be well enough to co-author soon. Until then, she says she loves you, and I do to!**

**(Flames will be used to set Jake on fire, so I can push him off a cliff and yell a meteor is coming)**

**Xoxoxoxoxoxo ELISE oxoxoxoxoxoxoX**


	12. Twilight Read

**Hola, my beloved readers! I am back with another chapter – and a note.**

**I can't bash the QuilxClaire stories, as much as you would want me to. The problem is, we have no established personality for them set down by Steph the author. I've seen Claire ranging from peppy to almost Goth. Since there has not been 20000 duplicate stories, I can't bash it.**

**Oh yes, and Mallory wishes to speak:**

_**HEYYY! I'm back from therapy! Maddy L. is a very good therapist… anyway. I hope you like the cliché – I wrote it while at therapy!**_

**Yes, she did. I'm so proud! –le sob—**

**So enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: One day I will hunt down Stephenie Meyer and force her to turn over the ownership of the Twilight characters, but that day is not today. ******

Bella and the Cullens read Twilight

Bella: Gee, I wonder what's at the bookstore!

--browses through shelves, finds a book called "Twilight"--

Bella: Oh, OMC! This book exposes all of our secrets, even though the Volturi surely would have destroyed anyone who knew this much!

Edward: Why, my beloved Bella, what's wrong?

Bella: THIS BOOK TELLS ALL!

Edward: Well, let me see!

Bella: NO! Because even though I've never told anyone, this book somehow reveals all my inner thoughts about you, Jake, and my friends!

Edward: Ok! Let's go visit this author and somehow convince her to make it magically go away!

--magically track down Stephenie Meyer--

Bella: Like, ding dong!

Stephenie Meyer: Like, le gasp! It's the characters from my book come to life!

Edward: Yes, we are here, and we would like you to remove your book from existence to stop you from being turned into an hors'd'oeuvers by the Volturi and exposing us to the world!

--and so ensuses a dull debate, momentarily spiked by a stereotyped "evil Volturi" visit that somehow convinces Steph to destroy the book--

Stephenie: Ok, I'll do it –burns all the books--

--Edward and Bella randomly disappear, along with everyone else involved with the book--

Stephenie?

**I know this is not how it really ends in the stupid clichés, but it's how it SHOULD end if they could freaking THINK!**

**And I'm sorry for bashing you, Steph. I'm being an imitator!!!!!**

**Breathe, Elise. Ok.**

**So, R&R! Flames, or flame substitutes for Jakehaters, will be used to make a volcano active and explode on Jake.**

**---ELISE AND MALLORY**


	13. VIAN

**OMG!! I am sooooooooooo sorry I haven't updated in so long!!!!!! (Mallory: Yes, bad Elise). Shut up, loser. So, anyway, there are two things that need to be purged from this world so I can write. **_**High school**_**, and **_**writer's block**_**. Damn them both!!**

**Actually, I have a teensy problem… I'm out of clichés! (Yes, it's true –le sob-) So, I have considered something. Write a cliché! Copy and paste it into a review! If you have a good one, then send it! Mal and I will credit you with the authoring!!!!!**

**So. Anyway. Are you in?**

**Lots o' love-------ELISE AND MALLORY**

**And in case this isn't clear... I want a cliche YOU write. The first half is MY junk. The second half is Reader's Work. This has been the plan from the beginning. So if you have one written, copy and paste it into the pretty review box!!!!**


	14. RW One  Abusive Charlie

**Ah, I bet you all hate me now. I'm sorry, I have gotten a few clichés, but not many. This is the first one that makes me laugh, and that doesn't follow along the same lines as another I already wrote.**

**Mallory: DIDJA MISS ME!?**

**Right, sorry about her. She has been a bit hyper lately, (Mal: NO SCHOOL!!) as you can see.**

**ANYWAY, here is the first of the Readers' Work chapters!! C'mon, let's see some enthusiasm to write your own!!!**

**This is accredited to ****prettypinkbookworm****, as she wrote it and I did not.**

**Abusive Charlie**

Charlie: BELLA! I hate you because Renee left/ I'm drunk/ LIFE IS UNBERABLE!

Bella --cowers in corner--

Charlie: Isn't it great that even though your legally an adult, you won't move out and get a job somewhere else/ call the cops/ do anything!

Bella: --burst into tears in damsel in distress way--

Charlie: I HATE YOU! YOU ARE A-- AND WORTHLESS! –raises fist--

Bella: No!

_--Edward bursts through the window, all of a sudden caring about Bella or learning about her abuse and randomly deciding to stop it.--_

Edward: I'll save you! --grabs Charlie and stuffs down toilet-- Ha-ha! What now!?

Bella: Edward! I love you! You saved me from that wretched man!

Edward: Bella, you're beautiful! You poor, poor, poor person. If only I'd done something, if only I stopped it, if only I was here...--is slapped by Bella--

Bella: Shut up. You're ruining the moment.

Edward and Bella proceed in making out, with no thought as to the repercussions of stuffing Charlie down a toilet.

**And so concludes the first Readers' Work chappie! Kudos to prettypinkbookworm, y'all!**

**Please read'n'review – better yet, read and give me your own cliché! (No using pre-done ones or similar ones)**

**Flames will be used to work my furnace as it is cold, where Jake is very convienietly "bathing" in gasoline… hehehe… **

** E and M**


	15. RW Two Edward's Return

**Dum, dadadumdumdum DUM!!! I HAVE RETURNED!!!! (Mal: And me! And me!)**

**Glad to see y'all loved ****prettypinkbookworm****'s cliché so much! Another shout out to you, sweetie!!**

**Anyway, I again want to make a clarification:**

**I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE CLICHES – I am attempting to write a book. So, you all need to give me YOUR clichés, NOT ideas for me and Mal to compose. It keeps the happiness a-flowin'!**

**Disclaimer: I wouldn't need to be working on writing a book if I were the goddess know as Steph Meyer.**

**Anyway, I love you all, so here is the next Readers' Work Cliché…**

**-drumroll-**

**The Return of Edward**

Authored by NotWhoYouThinkThisIs (I love it, it had me laughing XO)

Bella: Now that Edward is gone my life has no meaning! I'm just gonna do totally stupid stuff!

Mike: -walks along- Hey Bella! We're gonna get married and have kids because somehow your best friends never saw this coming and won't try to stop me!

Bella: Ok! -goes off with Mike without thought of Charlie or Renee-

--years pass--

Edward: I think I'll just move back to Forks even though the memory of Bella is so painful that whenever I think of her I curl up in the fetal position! Oh well, home sweet home!

Bella: -bumps into Edward magically- OMC! It's like Edward! What are you doing here!

Edward: OMC! It's Bella! Bella, I came back for you! Because even though I missed you SO MUCH in the past years, and we never came back for you or watched out for you, I still love you!

Bella: YAY! I LOVE YOU TOO! LET'S GET MARRIED!

Mike: I'd try and stop you guys, but I know nothing would work, so go on ahead and get married!

All: Hooray!

**-bonks head on keyboard- Stupid, stupid cliché… of course that's why I lub it!!!**

**So I'll update soon, and keep the ideas pouring in!!**

**Flames will be used to light the sparkler candle in the cardboard box where Jake is conveniently duct-taped (thanks, Mike!)**

**---ELISE AND MALLORY**


	16. RW Three Volturi Bella

**WHOO-HOO! Two in one night! I just found this one in my review box by the fabulous ****yayme2012****, and I had to post it! (Sweetie, I don't **_**care**_** if it goes along the same lines: It IS different!)**

_**Mal: Hola! I have fully recovered from my multiple traumas, and will be happily posting some of these fics. I LOVE YOU ALL! Oh, and buy Elise's book **__**Element: Envy**__** when it comes out – I'm the main character!!!!**_

**Anyway, here you go!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, Jake would be six feet under and/or ripped into teensy tiny bite-sized pieces – evil cackle-**

**Volturi Bella**

Authored by yayme2012

Edward: Bella, I'm very sorry, but I... I have to leave.

Bella: What? Why?

Edward: I... I'm not sure...

--Edward leaves--

Bella: NO! My life is over!

--Bella goes to Volturi randomly--

Bella: Kill me! Because I just couldn't jump off a cliff myself!

Aro: You have so much potential; we'll turn you into a vampire instead!

--Aro bites Bella--

Bella: Argh! I hate you!

--50 years later--

Edward: I'm so depressed without Bella. I'll go kill myself.

Aro: But... Bella's alive! --plot twist-- (personal audience: -le gasp-)

Bella: Edward, I hate you! Boohoo! I'm now a heartless guard for the Volturi!

Edward: I left for your safety!

Bella: But... why?

Edward: Um, I dunno... but the point is, I love you!

Bella: Okay! Yay!

--Both skip off into sunset—

Aro: Damn, I lost my best guard!

--End fanfic--

**--snicker—I do love bashing clichés. And in response to a private message: NO. I DO NOT HATE ALL FICS THAT FOLLOW THESE PLOTS. As long as they are well written and have **_**something**_** unique about them, I'm cool. It's the monotonous everyfivesecond clichés we hate.**

**Anyhoo, toodles!**

**Flames will be used to make a roasty-toasty Christmas fire (with Jake as the longs, of course!)**

**---E and M**


	17. RW Four The Rape Case

**Well! Glad to see you all responded with such enthusiasm!**

_**Happy December! 24 days till Christmas!**_

**Ditto Mal. So, anyway, I'm extremely happy that someone has given us a new cliché so quickly!!!**

**AND AGAIN, people! I don't write them anymore. So no more reviews like "oh, you should write using [insert cliché here!" I want YOUR work – we've already seen me and Mal's!**

**Anyway, kudos to my two newest authors – your clichés were much beloved!**

**And here is a story by new author #3 – ****baka-basher!**

**Have fun!**

**Disclaimer: If I were Steph Meyer, I would have already made a law against clichéd writing spawned from my awesome books!**

**The Rape Case**

Authored by baka-basher

Bella- Hmmm... I'm going to take a random walk down a dark deserted street. Because that's totally not dangerous and exactly what happened before!

-skips down alley-

Random Evil Dude- Rawwr! We're going to rape you because we OBVIOUSLY have nothing better to do!

Bella- OH NO'S! Where are you Edward!?

-with Edward-

Edward- Doo, da, Doo...gonna eat some Mountain Lion...doo da do gonna drink some BLOOD!

Alice- MY POWERS AREN'T WORK TODAY. :D Oh Well, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Edward- Seriously! I feel NO need to interrupt this delicious meal of mountain Lion to go check up on my helpless Bella! Because I'm TOTALLY not that obsessive!

-Bella-

Bella- No! Now I'm pregnant!

Evil dudes 1, 2, 3- actually we're all sterile-

Bella- NO I BE PREGNANT! Now- I must run away! To a place where Edward could never find me!

-At Jake's house-

Bella- Wow! I'm glad I found this super secret spot where I can hide!

Jake- And I don't care that you've rejected me some many times before! I'll still let you stay in my house, and raise your child as my own! 

Bella- Hurray!

-Edward comes back-

Edward- Oh no! Bella has run away! I must look for her! Oh Bella, come out come out where ever you are! Bella!! Hey! Maybe she's under this rock! -looks under rock- Nope! Oh Bella!

-Twenty Yrs. Go by-

Edward- Bella! THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! :O Where are you[Bella's kid who looks exactly like her walks down the street Bella!?

Bella's Clone- STRANGER DANGER[Runs home

Edward- Come back! -End's up at Jake's house-

Bella- [gasp! Edward! How did you ever find me!?

Edward- -turns serious- I would follow you to the ends of the earth!

Bella- Oh Edward I love you!

Edward- Let me take you away!

-Bella and Edward run away [never mind that she's twenty years older

Jake- uh...

Bella's Clone- Mommy!?

-it rains on them-

Bella's Clone- MOMMY!?

**HAHAHAHAHA! I love it! I mean, would Bella ever go down a dark alley again, with Edward gone (let's not forget her dad is a friggin' cop!)? Plus, she would not abandon cute 'lil Bella II!!!**

**So good job, author! Please feed me more clichés!**

**Flames will be used to power an engine, hooked up to an electricity generator, which is also hooked up to the chair where good ol' Jake is lounging… hehehe…**

**(Mal: Have you ever noticed she gets more sadistic the longer this goes on?)**

**--Elise and Mallory**


	18. RW Five Dreaded Stereotypes

**YAY! We're back again – and it's SNOWING HERE!!**

**Or, just me… Mal is outside making snow angels…**

**So, anyway, here is a new cliché, proverbially hot out of the metaphorical oven!!!**

**Thank you, my assistant author, for getting these horrible things into one story!!!**

**Dig in! (I need some food, preferably Chinese…)**

**The Dreaded Stereotypes**

Authored by Elephant (no, seriously)

Alice: OMC, Bella! You have got to check out this totally awesome skirt I found on the internet!

Bella: Er-

Alice: It'll look great on you!

Bella: Do you do nothing but shop all day, Alice?

Alice: Yes, even though I've got loads of stuff to do, like spend time with my husband!

Edward (appearing from thin air): God, you're ditzy, Alice!

Alice: Isn't it great? I act like totally, like, immature even though I've existed for over 60 years! Wheee!

--Jumps up and down and claps her hands--

- Edward leaves -

--Rosalie walks in-- 

Rosalie: God, I, like, hate you, Bella. I'm, like, so much prettier than you. I don't see why Edward is, like, with you. 

--Examines her reflection in a mirror that appeared out of no where--

Rosalie: OMG! What is that on my face?

Emmett: It's a zit!

Rosalie: I can't get zits, idiot, I'm a vampire!

Emmett: Oops. I guess I forgot even though I'm a very intelligent vampire who has been through high school and college many times.

Rosalie: God, Emmett, you need to, like, grow up even though you're like, over, like 50.

Bella: I don't think Emmett needs to grow up.

Rosalie: Shut up b----! Who said I was talking to you?

- Edward reappears out of thin air (again –sigh--) –

Edward: Oh no you di-in't!

--Snaps fingers in front of his face in that way all aggravated men and women do these days and slaps her--

Emmett: OMC! You so did not do that!

--Everyone gets into a vicious fight even though Jasper should be around somewhere to calm everyone down--

- Jasper walks into room licking an ice cream cone (because you know you want him to) –

Jasper: What'd I miss?

P.S. In case I didn't make myself clear, Alice is supposed to be ditsy and shopoholic, Rosalie is a shallow b----, and Emmett is a stupid, brainless vampire.

P.P.S. As for Jasper eating the ice cream cone, just picture it, then you'll know why it's in there.

**BWAHAHAHA! I hate stereotypes! I have before yelled at authors who overdo these!**

**So, anyway, I'm off to make a snow angel. Read and Write – in, my duckies!**

**Flames will be used to make a pretty glass dome out of the sand pile Jake is in... ahehehehehe…**

**(((((eLiSe AnD mAlLoRy))))**


	19. RW Mega Super Chapter

**Well, well, well. Merry Christmas, all! Or early Christmas, whatever. So. It's been AGES since we've updated 'cause Indoor Track started and we're both busy (I'm distance, Mallory's a sprinter).**

**So here is our Christmas gift to you – THE MEGA SUPER CHAPTER!!!!**

**All of the stories you've submitted that we have chosen are in here!!!!**

_**Mallory - --takes bow--**_

**So, yup, enjoy!!!!**

**Disclaimer: Dear Santa,**

**I would like to be Stephenie Meyer as I currently am not and so therefore don't own Twilight or it's characters.**

**Edward's and Bella's Son**

Authored by **zwidon**

Bella: Hey Edward, now that we're married, we have a little kid that has just like popped out of the ground!

Edward: Yah! 'Cause that's like totally not weird at all.

Bella: but OMC he's like not a vampire.

Edward: That's weird but I don't care.

Everyone: W00T!

Bella: Let's call him Bob.

Bob (Bella's Son): I'm now suddenly like 16 because I need to be for the plot.

Bella: Bob I need to tell you something… me and your daddy are vampires.

Bob: Oh no! I like totally somehow didn't know that even though I've lived under your roof for forever. Now my life is in shambles.

Edward: I'm sorry it's true!

Bob: I'm running away. (Meets a cute werewolf girl) 

Werewolf girl: Hey I like you!

Bob: That's great! Let's marry! (They marry)

Bella: Oh no! For some reason I know that now my son is married to a werewolf girl even though werewolf girls like are nearly nonexistent.

Bob: Oh no! I will never see my parents again even though I ran away from them in the first place!

**End**

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**Angela the Witch**

Authored by **baka-basher**

Bella: Wow the moon is really big tonight, wait- what's that floating black dot?

Edward: It's a bird!

Charlie: (who is Bella's room for no real reason) It's a plane!

Bella: No-it's ANGELA! THE WITCH OF FORKS!

-Angela flies down-

Angela: -Gasp- YOU'VE DISCOVERED MY SECRET! -Turns Charlie into a frog-

Charlie: Ribbit. -Hops away-

-Bella turns to Edward-

Bella: I TOTALLY CALLED THAT ONE!

Edward: Damn it...-Hands her five bucks-

Angela: ...It's my job to keep peace between the Werewolves and the Vampires!

Bella: Yeah. Great job you've been doing so far.

Angela: ...any way! You must come with me!!

-Drags Edward and Bella away-

Edward: Oh no! I can't kill her because she's a witch and we aren't allowed!

Bella: ...

-any way! Angela flies them down at Jacob's house-

Angela: Now, SHAKE HANDS.

Jacob: EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW-VAMPIRE GERMS-EWEWEWEWEWEW

Edward: EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW-DOG GERMS-EWEWEWEWEWEW

Angela: DO IT OR I'LL TURN YOU ALL INTO MONGOOSES!!-

Edward: ...-thinking to himself- Mongooses...?

Jacob: Oh...Bella's chest has gotten bigger since I saw them last!

-Angela threatens them with her wand-

-They shake hands-

Angela: Yay!

Bella: Uh...yay, now I get to see Jacob all the time! Heh, who wouldn't want that?

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

**End**

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**Emo Eddy and Bella**

Authored by **Twilight obsessor**

Edward: I hate life. It sucks. I want to get pierced even thought it clearly won't work for I am indestructible.

Bella: My life is horrible because I'm weird even though it is because I'm emo.

-Bella and Edward meet-

Bella: wow now like I'm not emo and I am happy and life is all better magically!

-Edward and Bella are the mushiest couple at forks and people think it's stranger than emo- 

YAY!

**End**

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**Edward Leaves AGAIN**

Authored by **NotWhoYouThinkThisIs**

Bella: Hey, like, OMC Edward, what's wrong?

Edward: OMC BELLA! I'm just going to leave you AGAIN because even though the pain of our separation made us turn into zombies and completely ignore the people we care about, I still think it's a good idea!

Bella: What? No!

Alice: -pops out of nowhere- And I totally cant stop him even though we all know how it turned out the first time!

Entire Cullen Family: Neither can we!

Edward: Yep! I totally have not learned my lesson from the first time! So I'll just be leaving now Bella, bye!

Bella: -sobs in corner-

-years pass-

Bella: Well now that I'm like, alone, I'm just gonna go ahead and marry someone or get bitten by a vampire, because I have nothing better to do!

Alice: And I totally can't see this coming!

-Bella gets married/gets bitten-

Edward: Bella! I have come back AGAIN from missing you so much! Didja miss me! LIKE OMC! UR BITTEN/MARRIED! NOW I MUST WIN YOUR HEART BACK!

Bella: I'll never love you again! Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I have to love you again because if I didn't then there'd be no point in me getting married/bitten in the first place! I like, love you!

-both skip off into the sunset-

**End**

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**BellaxCarlisle?**

Authored by **AuthorAngel**

Carlisle: Uh, Bella.

Bella: Yeah Carlisle?

Carlisle: For absolutely no reason, I have fallen in love with you, even though my son almost killed himself when you died and Esme is my soul mate.

Bella: OMC, Carli! I feel the same way!

Carlisle: HOORAY!

-Bella and Carlisle make out-

Alice: OMG, Edward, I see Bella cheating on you!

Edward: Huh? OOH, MOUNTAIN LION BLOOD FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!

Alice: -sighs- OOH, GUCCI PURSE!

-Edward comes into the room eating Mountain lion blood flavored jelly beans and sees Bella and Carlisle naked in bed-

Edward: OMC, like, whazzgoinon?

-Bella pulls away from Carlisle-

Bella: OMC, Eddie! Even though I'm engaged to you and fell apart when you left, I just decided that Carlisle is way sex-ay-er and more fun to screw!

-Esme walks in-

Esme: What's going on? -Windex's the house in a second-

Carlisle: OMC, ESME! Even though I am hopelessly devoted to you, I decided to leave you for Edward's fiancée!

Esme: Oh well. I'll just get with Eddie even though it's more like incest because he's my son!

-Edward and Esme make out-

Alice: OMC, even though I am psychic and should have seen this coming, I am not depressed and don't find this awful in any way. In fact, I wish you the best of luck!

Everyone: HOORAY!

**End**

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**Bella Seduces Edward**

Authored by **RodentOfUnusualSize**

Bella/Edward: Sigh, I don't know if I can handle all of this sexual repression!

Alice/Rest of Cullen siblings: Let's help Bella seduce Edward. He's been sexually repressed for 100 years, and we want to help!

-They take Bella and basically raid Victoria Secret-

-They then teach Bella everything there is to know about seducing someone-

-And even though Bella decided to do it the right, responsible way and wait, she goes along with it-

Emmett/Jasper: let's help by making fun of Edward and sending him feelings of lust!(respectively)

-insert smutty sex scene here-

**End**

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**Edward Rapes Bella (a.k.a. The Rape Case 2)**

Authored by **inufluff34**

Edward: Gr. I am really mad at someone for no apparent reason. I think I'll go take it out on my reason for living.

--Runs off in the direction of Bella's house--

Bella: Dum dum da dum. I wonder where Edward is...

--Edward appears out of thin air--

Edward: Rawr! I'm extremely pissed off, so I am going to take it out on you! Grr!

Bella: Like, OMG! The love of my life is about to rape me, and I'm not calling for help because I have a feeling that he won't actually do anything to me!

--Edward jumps on Bella--

Edward: Rawr!

--Bella screams manically, then falls unconscious--

(A little while later)

Edward (snapping out of it): Like, OMC! I just raped the love of my life! I'm a horrible monster! I'm gonna leave her now, and never return!

--Jumps through the window--

Bella (waking up): OMG! Edward is gone! Too bad! I'm gonna run off with Jacob now!

20 years later

Edward (who for some reason now lives in Forks again): Lalalalala... Like, OMC! That's Bella, the girl I, like, left 20 years ago!

Bella (seeing Edward): Like, OMc! That's Edward! --runs off towards Edward-- Edward! Wait!

Edward: NO! I'm a horrible monster who raped you!

Bella: I don't care! I still, like, love you, even though I'm, like, married to Jacob now!

Edward: Goody! I still love you to! Now we can like, get back together again!

All: Hooray!

(Publisher Postscript) Jacob: Bella?!

**End**

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**And so ends your Christmas present of THE MEGA SUPER CHAPTER. I hope you liked it (Mal: me dos!). So, we'll try and update sooner, as long as you guys keep submitting.**

**We love you all! Happy Holidays!**

**Flames will be used to light a match. Why a match? Well…**

**Mallory: (to the world) I may have discovered an unlimited power source! First, I'll need a volunteer…**

**(grabs Jake)**

**Mallory: Now eat these uranium cylinders… (feeds Jake cylinders)**

**Jake: What the fuck is going on?**

**Mallory: Shut up, you. Now, we take the match. (Grabs flaming match) Eat it, wolf boy!**

**Jake: I don't wan- (has match shoved down throat)**

**Mallory: 5…4…3…2…1…**

**(Jake explodes)**

**Mallory: MWAHAHAHAHAHA… I mean, oops that didn't go well…**

**--Miss Mallory M. M. and Miss Elise A. U.**


	20. RW Mega Super Chapter 2

**I return with the awesome new version of MEGA SUPER CHAPTER 2!**

**Mhm, because I have no time to type anymore (die, midterms!) I am simply doing another MegaSuperChapter for your enjoyment.**

_**Mallory: TAKE WHAT CHA GET!**_

**She's in a bad mood. We hate studying.**

**So anyway, here's the newest edition of AOTC: MegaSuperChapter2!**

**Ultra Uber Mega Superstar**

Authored by **Vampireme**

Bella: OMC! I is super duper depressed. Lemme right some garbage words that are like in my mind right now!

-writes stuff-

Bella: Like OMC! That would like make a great song! -suddenly finds a singing voice that no one knew, not even her mother who grew up with her, making this seem really unrealistic-

Bella: Like, I'm gonna sing now! -sings-

Awesome Record dude in a blue suit with a sparkly black tie: -suddenly poofs in- Wow, you have a great voice so...even though this should take months to obtain...here have a contract!

Bella: Like Yayness -happy fangirl squeal attack-

-Bella shoves Record dude in the closet-

Bella: I just got a contract now I'm on MTV! I also like, somehow became a vampire, but the author failed to say how! YippeeJoyJoy!! Even though that should be like really scary! YAY!

((At the Cullens))

Alice: Even though I can already predict what's been going on, I'll turn on the TV anyway. Yay MTV! Hey this band is awesome. The lead singer looks like Bella.

-crickets chirp-  
-silence-  
-Alice does a facedesk, making the desk split in half-

Alice: EDARD!! BELLA IS ON TV! I DONT KNOW HOW I MISSED THIS VISSION SINCE I ALWAYS WATCH OUT FOR MY FRIEND! WHHE!!

Edward: We lets go find her! -skips merrily to Bella-

((In Bella's dressing Room))

Bella: Breath in, Breath out.

Edward: Bella, my love! You're now a singer and a vampire. I lied, I love you!

Bella: Wow, by good golly gee! It's Edward! Even though you're the core reason to my depressing songs and current catatonic state, I'm like going to forgive you!

-makes out-

Bella: Wait a second.

-make out again-  
-and again-  
-and again-

-and again-

Alice: Uhm...yeah...

-then some mutant Jedi squirrels that are vampires start dancing-

((Couldn't think of an ending xD))

_(Publisher Note: Takes place during New Moon (I think…))_

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**LET'S SING (not the same as above cliché)**

Authored by **boundlessxlabyrinth**

Volturi: Since you've finally turned Bella, we're just going to snatch her out of your hands and teach her to become a ruthless human killer and our best guard. Snatches Bella and runs away cackling evilly

Cullens: Like, NO!

twenty years later

Edward: Like, OMC, I'm all depressed. I think we should become a goth band and, like, exploit ourselves by singing obviously vampire/suicide/myloveislostanditwon'tcomeback/ANGRY songs. We'll all dye our hair black and become unrealistically famous. Basically we're going to be like Lestat from the Queen of the Damned! Sobs I'm seeping in angst and depression!

Emmett: Great idea, Eddipoo! I'll play the drums!

Rosalie: and I'll play the guitar. Rock on! makes rock sign

Alice: I think I'll play bass, and my Jazzypoo can play piano even though that's obviously what Edward should do. But Edward is going to be our lead singer because its really him we want to exploit!

Esme/Carlisle: We'll play the role of proud parents and sit around and look pretty. Or maybe we'll be your managers. Wouldn't that just be super?!

Two years and a bunch of concerts later

Bella: I think I'll come up with a brilliant, complicated, genius, nobodywouldeverthinkit plan and escape from the Volturi because I heard Edward singing on the radio!

she walks out of Volterra

Bella: Well, that was easy!

Alice: OMC, after twenty-two years, Bella finally 'escaped' from the Volturi's clutches! She's going to come and watch our concert!

Edward: Ohmigawd, ohmigawd, ohmigawd. Do I look pretty? Bella! My LOVE! You're coming back for me! squeals in happiness

Bella: magically appears out of thin air Honey, I'm home!

All: YAY! Now Bella can join our band too, and nobody will notice her at all, not Renee or Charlie or any of the werewolves or the whole town of Forks. Why, because we'll dye her hair black too, and we'll call her…ISAbella, even though she hates it.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Edward Unleashed!**

Authored by **SMARTALIENQT**

Edward: --Skipping-- Tra-la-la, I'm so happy! This happiness has, like, totally clouded my judgment, so I just randomly feel like making out with Bella! Hooray!

--Skips to Bella's house-- 

Edward: Bella, even though I have the physical capacity to snap your spine, and you already told me in Eclipse that you don't want to, I randomly feel like making out with you! 

Bella: Even though I want to wait until after I'm a vampire, I feel the same! 

--they make out-- 

Edward: Oh, Bella... 

Bella: Oh, Edward... 

Edward: Oh, Bella... 

Bella: Oh, Edward... 

Edward: OH BELLA! 

Bella: OH EDWARD! 

--Insert 'scene' here-- 

Edward: Oh, Bella, I feel like making you a vampire right now, seeing as we've decided not to wait for anything in our lives! 

Bella: Edward, even though I want to get married formally and make Alice's day, I love you too much to care! And that scene really changed my mind! 

Alice: And I have decided to drop the wedding/give up shopping, so go ahead and become a vampire, Bella! Hooray! 

--Bella becomes a vampire-- 

Everybody: Yay!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Bella and Rose BFFs!**

Authored by **Fiona-Angel**

Rose: Wow, Bella, like, even though I totally said that I could never be, like, total friends with you, I have the total urge to just, like, go shopping with you. 

Bella: -thinks- OMC! Rosalie wants to be friends with me! My happy life with the Cullen's is nearly complete! And even though I thoroughly hate shopping, I'll go with Rose because I love her and she's my new best friend!

Rose: -grabs Bella- Come my new found best sister in the world, let's go to the mall!

Bella: Alright my new bff. Let us enjoy an awesome day full of shopping and makeovers!

Alice: Wow. Guys, like, totally don't leave me! What's a fun shopping experience without me, the fun, hyper-active vampire. OMC! Rose and Bella are total sisters and I'm left all alone and this doesn't bother me at all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**And so we conclude MegaSuperChapter 2! It was fun while it lasted.**

**Anyhow, keep feeding us clichés, and we'll keep publishing them for your amusement.**

**Remember to Read and Review and hate on Jake!**

**(Flames will be used to work the engine on the electric saw that I conveniently have Jake on a conveyor belt towards.)**

**ELISE and MALLORY**


	21. RW Mega Super Chapter 3

**Yes, I am back. Again. And I think I may have a tragic announcement.**

**I have received many clichés over the months. Many have been published for you, by me. However, many are just not up to par! The good clichés are getting fewer and farther between. Other clichés… just seem like clichés!**

**And for the record, I can no longer type clichés. I do three sports – fall winter spring, do WELL on my sports, get straight A's, do community service, play the piano, write for the school paper, go on vacations, do homework, spend time with my family and my friends. With that schedule, I have no time!**

**And so it is with great sadness that I must proclaim a deadline limit. From the day of this post – February 10, 2008 – you all have exactly 1 month (till March 10) to submit enough clichés to compile a chapter. Or else…**

**We are stopping the Attack of the Clichés.**

**So keep that in mind as you read these hardworking author's clichés. Thanks.**

---

**Amnesiac Bella**

Authored by **AuthorAngel**

Bella: La di da...OOH! Eddie-poo, let's go for a car drive.  
Edward: Ok. Life sucks.  
Bella: I love you too.

---

Edward: Hey Bella?  
Bella: Yeah Edward?  
Edward: I'm gonna get us into a terrible car crash that'll hurt us in different ways...  
Bella: Ok. I love you. And by the way, after you almost kill me, can we go for smoothies?  
Edward: Sure. -watch beeps- Ok, time to get you almost killed.  
Bella: YAY!  
Edward: HOLYSHITAFREAKINGDEER! -swerves car into a canyon sending Bella flying out only to hit her head on a tree-  
Edward: OH NO! I HAVE SOMEONE HURT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! -sobsobsobsobs. Gets over it and runs her to Carlisle- 

---

Carlisle: Aw ----, we're gonna have to do surgery!  
Bella: Excuse me, still awake here!  
Edward: BELLA! -flings self onto her- OMC I was so worried! –sobsobsobsobs-  
Bella: HOLY S--- WHO THE F--- ARE YOU?   
Edward: I'm the love of you're life, you want to have sex with me, I'm a vampire, and you will be one soon I'm just so happy you're back!  
Bella: SEXY PSYCHO! –runslikehell- HELPHELPHELPHELP!  
Carlisle: Nice going.  
Edward: Life sucks. 

Edward continues to stalk Bella until one day...

Bella: OMC EDWARD! -jumps- I MISSED YOU!  
Edward: Uh, Bella?  
Bella: Mmhmm? -making out with Edward-  
Edward: You are eighty and making out with me. It's kind of creepy.  
Bella: Don't I still smell good?  
Edward: Not really...more like Vicks vapor rub...and prune juice.  
Bella: -sighs- I'm gonna go get Alice and we'll go find the fountain of youth -cough cough- As soon as bridge night is over.

**End**

---

**Fanfiction Authors Unmasked**

Authored by **SMARTALIENQT**

--Edward sleeps (even though there is no way he can sleep)--  
Edward: Snore, snore, Bella, snore, puppies, snore, Bella and puppies, help!, snore.  
Author of Fanfiction: --types on computer-- Mwahahaha  
--Edward wakes up from sleep that couldn't possibly happen--  
Edward: OMC! Some weirdo is typing things! Help!  
AFF: Edward, dance! --types--  
Edward: I feel like dancing! Yay! --dances-- Wait a second, I don't like dancing! Must... stop... dancing... --tries to stop dancing-- Why can't I stop?  
AFF: Because I, evil AFF, have commanded it to be so! For I am AFF, hear me roar! Mwahahaha!  
Edward: OMC! I feel overcome to serve this stranger who is randomly typing! I will obey!  
AFF: --laughs evilly-- This is fun. I will go now for absolutely no reason! Hooray! But first...  
--Edward wakes up from a dream, even though he cannot dream because he cannot sleep--  
Edward: OMC, what a strange dream that was, even though I can't dream because I can't dream. Wait, what dream? I can't remember anything about this dream that I couldn't have had...  
Everybody: Hooray!  
Edward: Why are you saying hooray? You weren't even in this story.  
Everybody: But everything has to end with us saying hooray. Hooray!

**End**

---

**The Gang Finds Fanfiction**

Authored by **SMARTALIENQT** (you did two, good for you! –gives cookie-)

Bella: Lalalalala, I'm gonna go on the computer now for no apparent reason! --skips to computer, randomly surfs--  
Edward: What are you doing, Bella?  
Bella: I am just randomly surfing, Ed-OMC!  
Edward: OMC! What is it?  
Bella: It is something called… "fanfiction"  
Everybody: OOHH!! AAHH!!  
Edward: OMC! Look at this!  
Bella: Ew! It's a story... about me... and Jake...  
Jake: --magically appears from nowhere, even though he would instantly turn werewolfy if he got within ten yards of the Cullens-- Goody! Bella, this is proof we should be together!  
Bella: I feel strangely compelled to fall in love with you, even though I have the whole getting-older phobia and am already in love with Edward. But what the hay? Oo, Jakie-poo!  
--They make out--  
Edward: I feel emo. I am so emo that I question everything. So I question: How does this know about us?  
Bella: I don't know! --goes back to making out--  
Alice: --Appears from nowhere-- I know! I will write a "review" telling this that she is making Bella go out with Jake, which is completely out of canon and character!  
Edward: Send it, send it!  
--One week later--  
Alice: Hey guys! I sent something to that!  
Everybody: --get amnesia-- Who?  
Alice: I don't know! I have amnesia now! What was the name of that thing we went on? Foof... fluff... fan... something?  
Bella: I don't know! I'm magically back with Edward now!  
Everybody: Hooray!

**End**

---

**The Morning After (the change, that is)**

Authored by **lanna-misssunshine**

Bella: WOOHOO! I'm a vampire…time to look in the mirror and see how beautiful I have become!!

-Bella runs over to mirror and stares-

Bella: -gasp- Wow, is that me… with that beautiful hair cascading down my back that seems to miraculously grown like five inches in only three days?

-Alice walks into room-

Alice: OMC! Bella! You like, totally got 3 inches taller… I could've sworn you were only 5ft4 before, which is strange considering vampires don't get any taller when they transform, seeing as if they did I wouldn't be a midget… 

Bella: I know its amazing isn't it! And I'm like so beautiful! I could even put Rosalie to shame!

-Edward walks into room-

Edward: -stares- Bella you look like, so hot! Oh and did you realize that your eyes are topaz already even though it takes an entire year for them to change from red to topaz?

Alice: Oh! He's right! That's amazing!

-Everyone else walks into room-

Rosalie: Eugh! You're like, so prettier than me now... I hate you! Well, even more than I did before! -glares at Bella- Hmph!

Emmett: Wow Bella… did you notice that your boobs have gotten bigger? And you have such perfect curves now? -drools-

Edward: Stop thinking that about MY Bella! -growls at Emmett-

Rosalie: Emmett! You're not allowed to find anyone prettier than me! I'm the fairest of them all! The person in my mirror said so! -sulks-

Jasper: The person in your mirror is you...

Rosalie: Yeah, well... I'm hot!

Carlisle: This is amazing, normally when a person becomes a vampire, their flaws are simply perfected and their natural beauty enhanced… this is a miracle!

Personal Publisher's Audience: God, Bella is not like that! JEEZ PEOPLE!

**End**

---

**When Fangirls Invade…**

Authored by **Auburn Envy**

Fan girl: OMC, I can't believe me and my family moved to Forks! -Squeal- Now I'm gonna go look for some supa hot vampire boy -skips away-  
Edward: What is that delicious smell? -licks lips- I must go find it! -runs off and finds fan girl-  
Fan girl: Like, oh my gawd, its the supa hot Edward Cullen!  
Edward: What? I'm confuzzled, how do you know I'm Edward Cullen?  
-Jasper randomly appears-  
Jasper: Oh well, a few years ago I wrote about your relationship with Bella because somehow I magically read her mind. Then I betrayed the whole family by publishing it and I paid some Mormon lady to pretend to be the author.  
Edward: -Gasp!- Even though I should shred you to pieces or tell Alice so she can show you how it feels to be sexually repressed for one hundred years I'm totally okay with it because now I don't have to tell this hot sexy girl all my dirty secrets.  
Fan Girl: -Le gasp!- You think I'm hot and sexy?!  
Edward: Yes fan girl who I don't even know her name, I totally love you! Will you be my wife even though I love Bella and would never do anything to hurt her?  
Fan girl: Yes of course you hot juicy piece of vampire meat!  
-makes out-  
Alice: Even though I always look out for my family I didn't see this coming and because I'm to enthralled with my shopping addiction I don't really care!  
Bella: And even though my love just left me for some random girl I'm totally fine with it!  
Alice: Wanna have a threesome with Jasper and me?  
Bella: Totally!  
Everyone: Yay!

**End**

**---**

**Vampwolf**

Authored by **yayme2012**

Edward: OMC! Bella!  
Bella: OMC! What?  
Edward: OMC! Bella!  
Bella: OMC! What?  
Edward: OMC! Bella!  
Bella: OMC! What?  
Edward: I'm going to change you!  
Bella: Umkay.  
--Edward bites her--  
Bella: Ow! My fact that I was alive a second ago!  
--3 days later--  
Edward: Now you're a beautiful vampire…  
Bella: That hurt!  
Edward: Told ya so.  
Bella: It hurt more than the usual change!  
Edward: How would you know?  
Bella: Good point.  
Carlisle: Bella… you must be... a vampwolf!  
All: ...?  
Carlisle: For some odd, obscure reason, your vampire power is to change into a wolf!  
Bella: But… that doesn't even make any sense.  
Carlisle: Blame the writer's strike.  
--Carlisle suddenly disappears--  
Esme: That was weird.  
Edward: Anyhoo, let's continue with our boring lives.  
--doot do doo, insert cheesy vampire lemon here, doot do doo--  
Jacob: 'Tis I! The ugly werewolf!  
Edward: Gah! 'Tis him! Bella! I'm suddenly paralyzed! Do something!  
Bella: Wolf power… activate!  
--nothing happens--  
Bella: Wolf power… activate!  
--still, nothing happens--  
Bella: F-cking wolf power! Just go already, dammit!  
--Bella explodes, then shrinks--  
Edward: ...?  
Jacob: ...?  
All: ...?  
Carlisle: It appears poor Bella has turned into a potato.  
Esme: Oh dear. Hey, you're back!  
--Carlisle suddenly disappears again--  
Potato Bella: Help me! Help me!  
Jacob: Do you hear anything?  
Edward: Nope.  
Jacob: So... Bella's dead?  
Edward: Yep, pretty much.  
Potato Bella: Edward, the fire of our love… if you kiss me, I will live again!  
Jacob: I could swear I heard something.  
Edward: I don't.  
--later, at Emily's--  
Sam: M, these mashed potatoes are really good! What'd you put in them?  
Emily: I dunno, Jacob brought the potatoes…  
Embry: M, tastes like vampire!

**End**

**---**

**When Edward Met Bella… at 5**

Authored by **brown haired topaz eyed girl**

Edward: I'm gonna go walk through a kiddy park and stare for no reason. Yay!

Bella: Lalala Even though I'm a smart kid who has been taught to stay away from strangers I'm gonna leave my mom here and go talk to the dude over there by the tree staring at me.

Edward: Look a cute little girl is coming up to me.

Bella: Hiya I'm Bella and I'm 5!

Edward: Hello Bella I'm Edward. Want to be friends? Oh look at the lady over there looking for her kid. She looks like Bella Huh.

Bella: Yep I sure do! My mommy's looking for my cya Eddie! I'll hug him I think.

Edward: Huh she is so cute I don't think I can leave her...Oh I know! I'll practically stalk her until she's in High school then I'll talk to her Woot!

-Let's do the time warp again!-

Edward: I've watched her grow up and I've loved her since I met her! Look there she is and she looks Hawt!

Bella: Ohh he's hot I'll marry him!

All: Happily creepy ever after! Woot!

**End**

**---**

**Player Edward (short but funny)**

Authored by **RodentOfUnusualSize**

Edward: Even though in the book I clearly state that I've never been with anyone but Bella, I've decided to become a player! And human!

Bella: I'm some random girl who is kind of on the side. Edward would never notice me!

Edward totally notices Bella.

After a series of plot twists everyone has seen in at least 10 gazillion chick flicks, Edward wins over Bella and Bella cures him of his player ways.

Edward and Bella: Hooray! -they make out-

**End**

**---**

**Bewitched**

Authored by **RosalieHale123**

Bella: Like, OMG! I'm a witch, and I'm just randomly going to Forks for no reason whatsoever, because I decided that I hate my mother, who is also a witch!

Charlie: I totally don't know about you or your mother being witches, and I have decided to surreptitiously ignore any of the really obvious signs!

Bella: Hey, Charlie, I mean Dad!

Charlie: Hey, Bella! I love you so much that I decided to randomly buy you a car.

Bella: I LOVE it! Even though, as a witch, I have various more efficient ways to travel!

-goes to school in truck-

Edward: Like, there's something strange about that new girl. She can make things levitate, and I can't smell her blood!

-Both go to Biology-

Bella: I'm totally going to freeze time!

-Freezes time, except for Edward-

Edward: You're a witch!

Bella: You're a vampire!

Edward: Even though I have known you for all of one day, I have decided that I love you, and I'm happy that I don't have to change you, because you're immortal too!

-Edward and Bella make out in the middle of the frozen biology classroom, and skip out the door, forgetting about all the frozen people-

All: Yay! Edward found his soul mate after one day of knowing her!

**End**

**---**

**Karaoke Night**

Authored by **Mourning Verona's Dead**

Bella: Like omigod it's Alice who must've had a vision since I almost never see her!

Alice: Hiya Bella! I just saw something!

Bella: Wow, what could it be?!

Alice: Lets all sing karaoke!

-skips to Cullen's house!-

Alice: Even though we've never sung before, we're gonna have karaoke!

Everyone: YAY! What a perfectly normal thing to do!

-everyone sings stereotypic songs-

-Bella sings...-

Edward: OMC you can sing Bella? And you too Alice, Esme, Rosalie, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett!

Everyone: Of course, even though no one has ever heard us before!

All: WOO! LET'S KEEP SINGING!

**End**

**---**

**Abusive Renee (similar to Abusive Charlie)**

Authored by **AuthorAngel** (wow, two in one issue!)

Bella: La, di, da, di, da...I'm on my way to school to see my totally hot and sexy boyfriend Mike!  
Charlie: BELLA! You forgot your lunch- (gets run over by a car/attacked by a wolf/hit by a meteor)  
Bella: OMC! DADDY! NO! Damn now I have to go to Phoenix!

-Bella moves to Phoenix-  
Renee: BELLA! So good to see you! OMC, we are going to be bestest friendies!

-five seconds later-  
Renee: DIE B----! -smacks Bella across the kitchen-  
Bella: OMC THAT LIKE, HURT! Wow even though I'm legally an adult I'm going to keep living with this sadistic b---- even though she'll probably end up killing me! -le sob-

-At school-  
Edward: Hey, why do you have a huge cut on your face?  
Bella: I tripped.  
Edward: Oh that makes sense. And I will give barely any thought to as why you keep coming to school every day looking like a horror movie threw up on you! But all the while, I will be falling in love with you  
Alice: But I know what really happens because we are magically bff's! -gasp. No way, we didn't see this coming- RENEE ABUSES HER!  
Edward: Like no way.

-the next day-  
Renee: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! -hits Bella repeatedly with a bag of chips-  
Phil: Hey honey, where's the remote?  
Bella: NOO! WHO WILL SAVE ME? -Edward crashes through door-  
Edward: Bella, I'm here to save you.  
Bella: Took you long enough -Edward throws Renee into the stove where gasoline has conveniently place. Renee explodes-  
Bella: YAY! NOW I AM FREE TO GO MARRY EDWARD!  
Edward: HOORAY! MAKE OUT TIME! -insert smutty sex scene-

-one week later-  
Phil: Renee?

**End**

**Mk, I bet after all these you though I was just being whiny about the lack of clichés. But did you notice two are by the same author? In fact, SMARTALIENQT and AuthorAngel both submitted two! And they have been published before! yayme2012 has also submitted before, as well as RodentOfUnusualSize. Kudos to you guys.**

**However, there are 4 new authors, as opposed to the 10 clichés in this (I think it's ten). And consider the fact that this story has 493 reviews, 26359 hits, 105 favs, and 133 alerts. We've had, out of those, 17 authors, more or less, submit. Come on, people! That's less than 13 percent! (thank you, calculators).**

**All I'm asking is for some work from the people who ALWAYS and ONLY go 'omg, I love this, good job, keep it up, HAHAHA, etc.'**

**Flames will be used to burn Jake at the stake. He belongs impaled on the stake.**

**-E and M**


	22. RW Mega Super Chapter 4

_**-Squee!- I knew I could count on you guys to come up with enough clichés! I'm so proud! Thanks for keeping AOTC alive! – Mal**_

**Yes, that is from Mal. She can't talk as much, because she caught mono from my little brother. Long story.**

**But she's right – you have done a lovely job responding to my cliché requests. In fact, we have enough for Mega Super Chapter 4. That means…**

**AOTC WILL STILL CONTINUE FOR ANOTHER MONTH!**

**But remember! Any other time depends on you lovely reader's contributions!**

**So here you are. Thank you all for saving my story, authors!**

**The Alternate Universe Zone**

Authored by **baka-basher**

_And now, ladies and...but most likely more ladies...here they be. We HAVE read many a clique, but we are now OFF THE MAP. Beyond HERE BE MONSTERS, daz right...I am talking ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. (Take 1#)_

-Bella picks Jake-

Bella: So uh..as a-certain-some-one-who shall-not-be-named-is-never-coming-back,...wanna fool around?

Jake: Wait, why should I waste my time with a girl who clearly has no real affection for me?

Bella: Because no one else would bother with you.

Jake: ...Good point... -Kisses her-

Bella: God! Do you not brush your fangs!?

Jake: What? You don't like the taste of decaying roadkill?

Bella: No.

Jake: HAH! too bad, and you know why!? CAUSE NO ELSE LIKES YOU! HAH! I'm the best you got!

-Bella points behind Jake to where Mike, Eric, Tyler, and...!?Lauren!? are standing carrying chocolate hearts and roses-

Bella: You were saying?

-Twenty Years later-

Jake: Honey I'm home from running around in the woods!

Bella: -glares- I hate you.

Jake: -laughs- Remember when you said that on our honeymoon? Then you broke your foot kicking me in the nads?

Bella: -glares- I still hate you.

-Jake leaves to go do..whatever the hell he does when he's a wolf-

-Edward walks in-

Edward: Yo. Sorry I'm late, lost track of the time.

Bella: You were gone TWENTY YEARS!

Edward: uh...oops? -snaps in to ROMANTIC mode- Bella, my precious...I'VE always loved you! Come back with me to my home in Seattle and I'll-

Bella: SEATTLE!? YOU WERE IN SEATTLE THE WHOLE TIME!?

Edward: Uh...Seattle...Australia?

Bella: Why should I go? How do you know I'm not happy HERE, with Jack-Uh-Jake?

Jake: -walks in- Hello darling! I got some leeches and ticks stuck in my hair again, and I need some help.

Bella: ...good point. -picks up a stick from, where ever and hands it to Edward- Hey Jake?

Jake: -perks up and starts to drool- STICK! OH, OHH! STICK!

Edward: -throws it impossibly far- FETCH, MUTT!

-Jake runs off-

Bella: well, shall we?

-Edward carries her off into the sunset-

Personal Editor's Audience: Bonus points for Jakebashing!

**End**

**---**

**Ella The Emo**

Authored by **SMARTALIENQT** (dang, girl, you are GOOD! The other one is right after this!)

Bella: Lalalala --skips randomly-- OMC! It is Edward, my love!  
Edward: 'Tis I, Edward, the hot vampire! --in singsong voice-- Oh, Bell-a! I have something _tell _ you!  
Bella: What is it, Edward my love?  
Edward: Even though being separated from you almost killed both of us, and I love you with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns, I have decided to leave you! Again! --skips away--  
Bella: --is dumbfounded-- I am dumbfounded. I must go and be emo now, because I can't live without Edward my love!  
Edward: --appears magically-- Could you stop calling me that?  
Bella: Sure.  
Edward: Thanks. --disappears in a puff of smoke--  
Bella: I will be emo now! I am no longer "Bella", I am... Ella the Emo! I must now do emo things!  
--several months later--  
Edward: Oh dear! My spidey senses are tingling! Bella's in trouble!  
Ella the Emo: --cuts self-- I am emo! I am emo!  
Edward: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BELLA?!  
Ella the Emo: My name isn't Bella. It's Ella the Emo!  
Edward: Okaay, Ella, then. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ELLA THE EMO?!  
Ella the Emo: I feel emo. So I am doing emo things. So I have to cut myself! --razor magically moves to kill Bel- I mean, Ella the Emo--  
Edward: Bella! NOO!  
Alice: And I had no idea this was going to happen, even though I _totally_ am psychic!  
Edward: --in climatic, I-love-you movie speech voice-- Ella the Emo, I love you! I want you! You are my life! --insert more endearments and expressions of undying love here--  
Bella: My name is Bella. I love you, Edward my love!  
Edward: Please don't call me that.  
Bella: OK! --insert "scene" here—(AN: Because such fics ALWAYS end in a "scene". It's –what else?- CLICHÉ!)  
Everybody: Hooray!

**End**

**---**

**Attack of the Mary/Gary Sue/Stus **(the single fandom creation that annoys me more than clichés…)

Authored by **SMARTALIENQT** (you deserve another cookie!)

Bella: I have nothing better to do, so I will go on a walk with Edward!  
Edward: Yay!  
--both wander aimlessly around nameless social attraction--  
Mary Sue: HI! I'm Mary Sue! --giggles-- I wuv you! --hugs Edward--  
Edward: Hello, um, Mary.  
Gary Stue: I wuv YOU, Bella!  
Bella: Okaay...  
Mary: I am perfect!  
Gary: So am I!  
Mary: And my job is to make you love Bella, Edward!  
Gary: And I have to make you love Edward, Bell!  
Edward: But I already love Bella!  
Bella: Same here!  
Narrater: Um, Bella? That means you love yourself.  
Bella: Oh. I love Edward!  
Mary: No, no, you don't love each other. Yet. Wait for it, wait for it...  
Gary: Fight will commence in T-minus five, four, three, two, one...  
Bella: --randomly hates Edward-- I hate you, vampire freak!  
Edward: I hate you more, human oddity!  
Mary: See?  
Alice: And, like always, I had absolutely no idea this was going to happen!  
--Lots of stuff happens, including Edward going out with Mary to make Bella jealous, Bella doing the same with Gary, and random scenes with perfect characters. A long time later...--  
Edward: I feel like having a heart-to-heart, Mary!  
Mary: OK!  
Edward: I don't love you. I love Bella. And puppies. But mostly Bella. So we're over!  
Mary: Because I am perfect, I am totally understanding, even though you just broke up with me! Yay!  
Edward: Now I must go over to Bella and ask her to take me back in a climatic love speech! --skips to Bella's house--  
Edward: I love you, Bella!  
Bella: Oh, I know. I just broke it off with Gary, and, by some weird coincidence, at exactly the same time as you!  
Edward: Wow, that is a coincidence!  
Author: Giggle.  
Bella: Did you hear something?  
Edward: No. So what were you saying?  
Bella: I love you and want to marry you, even though we had an enormous fight, went out with other people, and avoided each other for a long time!  
Edward: OMC! Me too!  
--insert "scene" here—

**End**

**---**

**Bella's New OC Vampire Love**

Authored by **ladyhawk89**

Edward: I don't love you anymore, byez!  
Bella: NO! Edward don't leave! -Falls into depression-

-A Few Years Later-

Edward: I've managed to stay away from Bella and my family this long, and even though the mere thought of Bella breaks my indestructible, non-beating heart, I think we should all move back to Forks. Bella should be away at college now anyway.

All the Cullens: Hoorah!

Carlisle: Edward this is your new brother, George, and even though we refused to turn Bella to make you both happy, we randomly chose him to join the family.

Edward: Ko-well! I've got a baby brother who's the same age as me!

-Back in Forks-

Bella: -Sigh- I have no life since Edward left and even though I should be in at least my second year of college, I'm still at home with Charlie with no friend in the world except for Jacob (who's getting sick of little boring emo me). What shall I do?

George: Wow! A hot human chick, who looks just like the girl my family said my brother Edward was in love with and has the same name as her too. I'm so gonna to holla at this chick. Hey, cutie!

Bella: -Looks surprised- Who, me?

George: Yeah you. I like you, wanna be my boo?

Bella: Sure! I'll be your girlfriend, even though I know you're a vampire and the family you moved in with sounds just like the Cullens, I'm not even going to think about Edward.

George: What about your werewolf friend? What's his name...?

Jacob: -Appears Out of the Blue- I'm sick of emo Bella, and even though I was in love with her and I hate vampires, I'm just going to turn my head while she suddenly falls for you.

Bella: I don't even care that you're no where near as charming and mature as Edward. I wuv you, sweetness!

Edward: -Walks in on Bella and George making out- OMG!! Bella? George?

Bella: Like, its Edward! Love of my life! When did you get back?

Edward: Same time as he did. George is my brother now.

Bella: Wow! Even though I've fallen in love with George and am about to go further with him than I ever did with my Eddie-poo, I had no idea of the names of his parents and brothers and sisters. Why didn't you tell me Georgie?

George: -Shrugs- Even though you told me you were in love with another vampire once who had the same name as my brother, I never put 2 and 2 together. Besides, you never asked about my family.

Bella: -Slaps forehead- Silly me! Well, I clearly can't stay with you now. Edward's back, and I'm going to marry him! Byez, George!

Edward: Hoorah!

George: Although I'm crushed, and I should fight for you, I'm going to be mature and let you two live happily ever after. I'll start my own vampire family.

Jacob: -Out of the Blue again- Gosh, Bella's such a vampire ho! Werewolf out! (OMC, this line had me cry-laughing)

**End**

**---**

**Clint McEvilness and the Insanely Smart 2-year-old**

Authored by **lanna-misssunshine**

Bella: Alice -sob- I don't know how to tell him.  
Alice: Just do it, he has a right to know.  
Bella: -sob- okay… will you be there when I tell him.  
Alice: Sure why not, the mall doesn't open for a few hours anywho.  
-Alice sweeps dramatically into the living room followed by Bella, where the entire Cullen family is sitting-  
Alice: Bella has something to tell you all.  
Everyone: Okaay?  
Bella: Well you see… I um, and… then -breaks down in tears-  
Rosalie: Oh stop whining and spit it out already!  
Bella: Well even though I clearly told Edward that I'm a virgin and I've never been with another guy… well, I have a daughter.  
Cullens: -united gasp-  
Emmett: Alice why did you gasp, you already knew?  
Alice: -shrugs- I didn't want to feel left out…  
Emmett: Fair enough…  
Edward: How could you not tell me this?!  
Rosalie: HA! I knew she was a ho! I told ya so! I told ya so!! Celebrate my loveliness! (A/N: XDDDDDDDD)  
Bella: I was raped…  
Rosalie: Oh… well… woops?  
Edward: WHAT?! Who did it?! I'll kill him!?!  
Bella: No Edward! You can't!  
Edward: -pretends to be calm- I'm sorry, who was it?  
Bella: My evil ex boyfriend Clint McEvilness -shrugs-  
Edward: I'LL KILL HIM!!  
Bella: No, I just want to forget it ever happened! -sniffles-  
Rosalie: They why are you bringing it up now you idiot?  
Bella: Because even though I abandoned my daughter, left her to be raised by Renee who is like a big kid herself my maternal instincts have all of a sudden kicked in and she's coming to live with me.  
Alice: HOORAY! Shopping!  
Rosalie: Well, now I hate you even more!  
-freakishly intelligent 2 year old pops out of nowhere-  
Bella: YAY! The child I abandoned, oh how I missed you!  
Little girl: MOMMY! I missed you too even though you are practically a stranger to me!  
Jasper: Wow, she's only like, 2 and yet she can form complete sentences… hell, she talks even better than Emmett…  
Emmett: HEY!  
Rosalie: You know it's true.  
Emmett: Whatever…  
Little girl: Mommy, who is that guy with the bronze hair… he's staring at me?  
Bella: That's Edward.  
Little girl: Is he my new daddy?  
Bella: -looks at Edward-  
Edward: -shrugs- Sure why not.  
Little girl: HOORAH! -pounces on Edward and clings to his leg- DADDY!  
Edward: -shakes leg- Get it off, get it off!  
-Clint McEvilnes pops out of thin air with an evil laugh and a swish of his black cloak-  
Cullens: -gasp-  
Bella: AH! That's the guy that raped me!  
Little girl: Must you all be so dramatic?  
Clint McEvilness: T'is I! I am now a vampire…  
Cullen: Well, duh I think we established that.  
Clint McEvilness: Yeah well… anyway, back to you know, the whole evil plot thing -shrugs- MWAHAHA!  
Edward: -growls-  
Rosalie: -files nails-  
Bella: What do you want?! -shaking uncontrollably-  
Clint: Umm… -ponders answer- you!  
Everyone: -gasp-  
Little girl: -stops reading the complete works of Shakespeare that appeared out of nowhere- let me get this straight, after 2 years of showing no interest in my mom at all, you all of a sudden decide to show up now?  
Clint: Yup, that 'bout sums it up.  
Little girl: Just checking -goes back to reading-  
Bella: But why?! -clings to Edward-  
Clint: Umm… the author made me do it?  
Jasper: Ah it all makes sense now. -light bulb appears over head-  
Clint: So…  
Bella: Yeaah…  
Clint: Hmm…  
Cullen's: La la la la la…  
Clint: … I'm going to attempt to kidnap you now.  
Bella: Oh… alright -clears throat- AH! Save me!  
Clint: MWAHAHAHA! -twirls pretend moustache and walks towards Bella-  
Bella: -looks at Cullen's- A little help?  
Cullen's: -look from Bella to Clint and back again, then at each other-  
Alice: Well, even though it's 7 vampires against one, we figured he probably has a really cool power, that could like, totally, kill us and stuff.  
Bella: Clint, is this true?!  
Clint: I control fire, if that counts?  
Bella: Aw crap. -pouts-  
Clint: -flames engulf his body and he walks towards her again, looking all evil and stuff-  
Edward: -pulls a bucket of water out of nowhere- Bella I'll save you!  
Bella: S'about time…  
Clint: No!  
Edward: -tosses water over Clint-  
Clint: I'm melting… I'm melting! Oh what a world, what a world! -slowly melts into a pile of goo-  
Edward: HUZZAH! I win!  
Cullens: -clap clap clap-  
Edward: -bows-  
Bella: My hero! -starts making out with him in front of everyone, forgetting all the boundaries set for her safety-  
Little girl: -looks up from book again, then at the Clint goo on the floor- That's gonna leave a stain.

P.E.A: HAHAHAHAHA. We loved this one. It wins this issue's gold star!

**End**

**---**

**WTF? Harry PotterxTwilight crossover**

Authored by **AuthorAngel**(who also gets a cookie for being a loyal author)

Bella: Edward honey?  
Edward: Yes Bella.  
Bella: Let's go to England and see if wizards exist!  
Edward: Ok! And let's bring the whole gang and explore parts unknown!  
Bella: And let's be broken up by random characters!  
Edward: hooray!

-

Edward: Ok, we're in Britain.  
Random Mysterious Stranger: Come with me.  
Bella: Who the heck are you?  
RMS: (whiny voice) Just come with me!  
Bella: Why?  
Writer: JUST DO IT YOU IDIOT!  
Bella:(scared) OK! EDWARD COME ON LETS FOLLOW THE FREAK- I mean PMS!  
RMS: IT IS RMS NOT PMS!  
Edward: Could fool me. (all are poofed outside of...)

-

Emmett: HOLY CRAP WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?  
(Dumbledore randomly appears)  
Dumbledore: Welcome vampires. You are at Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and-  
Jasper: HOLY HELL OMC GUYS ITS DUMBLEDORE! -fangirl scream- I LOVE HARRY POTTER!  
Alice: Ok Jazzy-pants...calm down  
-Jasper runs down the hall screaming for Harry-  
Bella: Why have you chosen us?  
Dumbledore: BLAME THE WRITERS STRIKE! Now Harry, Hermione, and Ron will show you around.  
Harry: G'day mate! I'm Harry Potter and I will accidentally make Bella fall in love with me!  
Hermione: Edward will fall in love with me...  
Ron: And I'm going to become emo! YAY EMO-OCITY!  
Bella: Edward?  
Edward: Bella?  
Bella: Run. 

-  
Dumbledore: Hey Carlisle?  
Carlisle: Yeah?  
Dumbledore: Wanna make out?

**End**

**---**

**The First Hunt**

Authored by **Tassel630**

Bella: OMC! I'm a crazily gorgeous vampire with some exaggerated power!  
Edward: OMC! Bella is a vampire! I am totally in love with her all over again!

-Author screams, runs, and hides until lemon is over-

Bella: I've been a vampire for a whole day and I didn't get thirsty until now!  
Edward: Let's go hunting!

-Magically appear in woods-

Edward: Lookie! Deer which we are going to hunt even though large predators are better tasting! Now you have to stand really still even though you should be so thirsty that you've already attacked!  
Bella: Okie-Dokie!  
Edward: Now we have to creep up on them even though vampires are super quiet and they'll never know we're here!  
Bella: -somehow manages to scare deer-  
Edward: Hurry Bella! Even though we are super-fast vampires we have to be really fast to catch a deer!  
Bella: -catches deer- YAY! I don't know what to do now even though my instincts should have taken over long ago!  
Edward: -shows Bella-  
Bella: I am either crazily over-depressed that I killed a deer, or totally don't even care a little bit!  
Edward: Hooray!

P.E.A.: And THIS chapter hasn't been practially highlight-copy-paste by EVERYONE in the WHOLE FREAKING TWILIGHTVERSE!!!!! –insert anime anger mark-

**End**

**And so we conclude. Cookies to my returning authors, double to AuthorAngel and SMARTALIENQT for their constant delivery of laugh-out-loud-ability fics. I love you guys! –gets warm fuzzies inside-**

**So how about this – I'll give you guys another month. It will give you time to get your bashers recharged. Hey, someone submitted a suggestion for me (coughAGAINSTMYWISHEScough) that one of you could write…**

**God, how many fics have we seen where Eddie goes gay!?**

**Hint, hint.**

**So read, review, and write, and keep Mallory-the-Monogirl in high spirits… when she's actually awake.**

**XO my readers!**

**-E and M**


	23. RW Mega Super Chapter 5

Holy crap

**Holy crap. We're back. Track is incredibly time-consuming. But winning our 138****th**** straight meet and 13****th**** straight title makes it all worth it!**

**So Mal is over her mono. She's a sprinter, I am distance. Whatever. You don't care, you want the clichés!**

**Salute the many, many we got in our hiatus. Peace out. Read on.**

**The Cullens Play a Board Game!**

Authored by **free-your-mind-dreamer**

Bella: Like OMC guys I have a totally awesome idea, lets play a totally pointless human board game!  
Alice: Like OMC Bella that is totally an awesome idea!  
Carlisle: Why does everyone say Oh My Carlisle instead of Oh My God?  
Rose: Seriously get with the times it's like the newest fangirl phrase. -snaps fingers in Z formation-  
Author: -snickers- oh my Carlisle! a broken nail! must fix it!  
... okay …  
Jasper: So are we playing or not?  
Emmett: Since I am the goof of the family I shall say woo! so woo!  
-set up Monopoly/Life/Scrabble-  
Edward: OMC even with my smartness from all the years in school I am totally sucking at this game.  
Bella: And I, the obvious pathetic human, am totally winning!  
Rose: And me and Bella have totally formed a friendship to last a lifetime! Like fabulous!  
Alice: I'm totally blocking my awesome powers so that I don't know who will win. -coughEsmeCarlislecough-  
Emmett: Jeopardy!  
Jasper: I lost! -goes and cries in corner with emo knife-  
Bella: Like no it's not Jeopardy, we're like still playing!  
Edward: OMC we all lost to my parents after all!  
Carlisle and Esme: We rule!  
Alice: Anyone wanna go shopping?

**Poor Emo Jasper!**

Authored by **free-your-mind-dreamer**

Jasper: Since I can feel everyone's emotions I'm like totally an emo!  
Bella: Le Gasp! How did we not become aware of this!  
Alice: And my powers do not work on Jazzy poo! Le Gasp!  
Jasper: -sitting in corner- I like black…and cutting things...and blood...I am...cool…black…chains  
Rose: Like eww green is the new black.  
Bella: I'm like PMSing and Jasper is like not affected because he's so emo!  
Jasper: I like blood, cutting is good, fun to cut…  
Emmett: -poofs out of nowhere- Wazzam! I am Super Emmett! -pushes Bella downstairs for fun-  
Bella: AH -dies-  
Audience: Hahaha!  
Emmett: Super Emmet, out! -poofs away-  
Rosalie: Like yay! No competition, I'm going to go brush my hair!  
Edward: No, she's dead! I must go emo!  
Jasper: Come, join my emo club, we have yoga on Tuesdays and a free dental plan.  
Edward: Sounds good, -joining Jasper in impossible slitting of wrists-

**Tanya the Vamp-Ho**

Authored by **free-your-mind-dreamer** (way to go! 3 in one chapter! –gives cookie of awesomeness-)

Tanya: I am here! To mess up the wedding! –evil laugh of DOOM-  
Emmett: Le Gasp! It's Tanya the vamp-ho! Who Edward totally lied about their total lemon life before!  
Bella: You liked her! My self esteem is ruined! -goes to emo Jasper in corner for comfort-  
Jasper: Come to Auntie Jasper, let us cut the pain away.  
Rose: OMC its Tanya my total BFF! Like come here girl wassup?  
Tanya: Oh the usual, I want me some Edward!  
Edward: OMC I totally love you again!  
-makeout scene with Tanya and Edward-  
Bella: So...Jasper...wanna make out?  
Jasper: Sure!  
-make out scene with Jasper and Bella-  
Alice: I'm home from the werewolf masseuse so I totally didn't see anything happen, what's new?

**Bella Corrupted!**

Authored by **tyrannosaurusalex**

Bella: Edward's hunting, and Emmett's babysitting!  
Emmett: For some reason Alice, who sees everything and keeps tabs on every member of this family, has no clue what's about to happen! When I said goodbye to Edward earlier I just sang songs from Sesame Street in my head and he totally didn't read me!  
Bella: Wait, you're not planning a ... RAPE??  
Emmett: It's been done.  
Bella: Am I going to suddenly decide that YOU'RE my soulmate?  
Emmett: You're not even close.  
Bella: WELL ... I'm eighteen, but I've never been introduced to drugs or alcohol before in my entire existence. Isn't life great? OH NOES EMMETT, WHAT IS THAT?  
Emmett: This is my massive stash of drugs, which I've been secretly keeping in a house full of vampires who know everything about each other and have super-heightened senses of smell!  
Bella: Wicked awesome! Even though I know Edward's going to TOTALLY FLIP OUT, let's get high together and possibly ... accidentally make out?  
Emmett: Don't push your luck, dawg.  
Bella: Sorry, I'm suddenly a horny ho who jumps anyone without a heartbeat. Even Carlisle is looking tasty these days!  
- BELLA GETS HIGH, CULLENS COME HOME -  
Edward: HOW COULD YOU, BELLA?  
Alice: I totally didn't see this one coming! OoO  
Emmett: My bad.  
Bella: I FALL DOWN.

**Déjà Vu?**

Authored by **13figureskater-Draco'sgirl**

Bella: I'm a vampire even though that's not possible yet and I live with my insanely gorgeous vampire family.  
Edward: I'm human and I've just moved to Forks.  
Micheala: I'm a girl version of Mike and I'm going to randomly start stalking Edward.  
Bella: That guy's blood is the best thing I've ever smelled. I think I'll kill him to drink it, even though that would be, like, totally blowing our cover and it would break Emily's, who is Esme only cleverly called something else to throw the readers off track, heart.  
Edward: I'm weirdly attracted to that girl over there, even though Micheala, who is still stalking me, told me that she doesn't date.  
Jasmine: I'm a girl Jake and I'm going to randomly walk into this story to tell Edward that Bella is a vampire.  
Edward: Even though she's a creepy monster with no fashion sense, I love her anyway and I know she won't kill me.

-let's do the time warp again!-

Bella: Edward, I love you but I think I'm going to leave you.  
Edward: But, but, why?  
Bella: -hisses- Because it's part of the plot, remember?  
Edward: Oh, right.  
-Bella vanishes in a puff of smoke-  
Edward: Oh, I'm so depressed. I think I'll go and become a living vegetable to pass the time.  
Jasmine: -reappears randomly- Oh, Edward, did I tell you I was a werewolf?  
Edward- No, but that doesn't matter. I'm going to suddenly stop being a vegetable and be your best friend.  
Jasmine: Yippy!  
Bella: I can't live without Edward, so I'm going to go kill myself.  
Aliane: I'm Alice – uh, Aliane -, and I have to stop Bella!  
Edward: Oh no! Bella's going to kill herself. I must save her, even though my best friend Jasmine's expecting me and my dad's friend just died.  
-one extremely familiar plane flight later…-

Bella: Edward, what are you doing here?  
Edward: I'm saving you. I love you even though you broke my heart and didn't even bother sending me a postcard.  
Swans: Yay!  
-let's do the time warp again!-

Bella: There are random vampires after you, Edward, and it's my fault, but I can't bear to leave you again, so I'm just going to be anal about you seeing Jasmine and start stalking you again.  
Edward: Oh, shucks!  
Jasmine: I miss my Edward. I'm so depressed. I'm going to become the emo of the pack.  
Samantha: I'm going to tell you that I'm Sam, because the names aren't obvious at all. Anyway, on to my actual line: get back here Edward! Jasmine's driving us all insane!  
Edward: Bella, she's my friend and I love her. I love you more, but I love Jasmine too and I want to break her heart.  
Bella: Okay.  
-Random vampires attack, Bella and Jasmine talk as Edward sleeps-  
Edward: I love you Jasmine, and I'm going to tell you even though I love Bella more and telling you this will just break your heart.  
Jasmine: I'd rather have my heart broken into a million pieces than not know.  
Edward: I'm crying into Bella's chest -- which is really big, you know! -- and making her feel really bad even though I love her.  
Aliane: I'm popping back into the story to have a crisis and break down sobbing because Edward doesn't love me and won't let me plan his wedding.  
Edward: Of course you can plan my wedding!  
Aliane: Yay!

Personal Editor's Audience: -dies because of such plagiarism of it all-

**Wolf Boy Has A Cute Butt**

Authored by **lanna-misssunshine** (welcome back!)

Bella: -sobs hysterically-  
Edward: Shh, Bella it's okay...  
Bella: -sob- No! It's not!  
Edward: It is, I mean I get why you love him too... I'd be more surprised if you didn't.  
Bella: Really? -sniffles-  
Edward: Yes, really.  
Bella: Oh Edward! -pounces-  
Edward: I mean... he is quite hot, what with those big brown eyes, and sexy abs... and that... butt -sighs dreamily-  
Bella: What'd you say?  
Edward: Uh -clears throat- I umm... love you?  
Bella: Oh Edward, I love you too!  
Edward: Yeah, yeah whatever...  
...A little while later Jake phones Bella...  
Bella: YAY! So we can still be friends even though I shattered your heart in to like a gazillion pieces and plan to marry your mortal enemy instead of you?  
Jake: Sure, why not.  
Bella: HURRAH! So I'll see you later?  
Jake: Mmkay.  
...Later, Edward is dropping Bella off at the border line...  
Bella: Are you sure you're okay with this?  
Edward: Wha..? -snaps out of his daydream- Oh yeah, whatever -goes back to watching for Jake's car-  
Bella: Oh, I don't deserve you. -moves in for a kiss-  
Edward: -squeals like a girl and jumps out of car-  
Bella: -falls flat on her face- Wtf?  
Edward: Hello pup -stares lustfully at Jake's crotch-  
Jake: Umm, hi... is everything, uh, okay? -stares longingly into Edward's eyes-  
Edward: Yeah, you know that shirt looks really good on you...  
Jake: Oh this old thing? It's just something I had lying around, now those pants you're wearing -sighs happily- they really accentuate your crotch.  
Edward: Oh stop -giggles-  
...the pair continues their flirtatious banter, completely ignoring Bella tripping multiple times on her way over to them...  
Bella: -walks back to the car wearing a bewildered expression after a strange afternoon with Jake-  
Edward: Hello you -hugs her- mmmm, you smell like dog -smiles breathing in deeply-  
Bella: Uh, Jake wanted me to give you this... -hands over a piece of paper-  
Edward: Oh what is it?  
Bella: Um, his phone number, pager number and email address... he also asked if you had a Myspace.  
Edward: Aww that's sweet of him... did he say anything else about me?  
Bella: Yeah it was the weirdest thing, he asked all sorts of things like your favorite colors and things -shakes head- I'm so happy you two are finally becoming friends.  
Edward: Yeah... friends... sure.  
...the next day, Bella is visiting Jake again...  
Bella: Edward asked me to give you this -confused look-  
Jake: Aw he's such a sweetheart! How did he know daisies were my favorite! -sniffs flowers-  
Bella: Heh?  
...many more days of flirting and exchanging of gifts between Edward and Jake later - Bella walks into her bedroom to find the werewolf and vamp in a heavy make out session...  
Bella: What the deuce?!  
Edward: Umm... hi.  
Jake: We were just...  
Edward: And then we...  
Jake: Yep, what he said.  
Bella: Huh?  
Edward: Well you see, Bella I'm gay.  
Jake: And we love each other.  
Edward: So our wedding is off...  
Jake: But! You can be my maid of honor if you want? -grins hopefully-  
Bella: Wha-... huh? Wait, I'm confused.  
Edward: -mutters- told ya she was slow...  
Bella: Let me get this straight, you're both gay?  
Jake: Yeah.  
Bella: And you're... together?  
Edward: Yup.  
Bella: And you're getting married?  
Jake: That about sums it up.  
Bella: No0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o...  
...Edward and Jake hop happily out her window holding hands...  
Bella:...o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o -passes out from lack of air-

**The Makeover**

Authored by **Browneyedbella347**

Bella: La di da... hmm. I think I'll wake up now in the arms of my gorgeous vampire lover.  
-wakes up-  
Edward: Good morning, precious. -pets Bella's hair creepily-  
Bella: Um, hello Edward. What shall we do this fine day?  
-Alice appears out of nowhere-  
Alice: Bella! Let me do your hair, make-up, and dress you, even though you are a functioning human who has been dressing herself for the past 18 years!  
Bella: Not another make-over!  
Alice: Muhahaha!  
Edward: Shut up Bella, just let her make you yummy.  
Bella: Dammit. Fine.  
-several hours, random nonexistent beauty products, and skanky clothes that Bella would never wear later-  
Bella: I'm gorgeous!  
Edward: I am consumed with passion  
-acts like a horny teenager, even though he respects Bella, is 108, and has promised to wait till marriage-  
Everybody: YAY!

**The Bikini**

Authored by **Browneyedbella347**

Alice: Here, Bella, wear this bikini. Because it is a summer day that it is randomly freakin' hot in Forks and we know of a secret place to go swimming.  
Bella: -gasp-  
Alice: Do you like the blue bikini that I picked out for you? Yes, I say blue because that is the only color that you are allowed to wear since Edward thinks it makes you look smexy.  
Bella: -Gasp- I can't wear a bikini! I will look fat next to your vampire gorgeousness!  
Alice: 5,4,3,2...  
Bella: -Cries dramatically- FINE! Damn... I'm hott. With two t's. -growls sexily at self in mirror-  
Rosalie: -pops out of nowhere- MY MIRROR!  
-Bella and Alice walk downstairs in bikinis ready for some private-beach goodness-  
Edward: Bella! I can't keep my hands off of your sexiness!  
Bella: Oh Edward!  
Edward: Oh Bella!  
Emmett: Oh Emmett!  
-Rosalie whacks him with Jacob's severed leg-  
Everybody: YAY!

**Emmett, not AGAIN…**

Authored by **Vampireme**

Bella: ME IS HUMAN!  
Edward: Yes, dear, I know.  
Bella: Human me needs food, so I shall go to the grocery store! -poofs into store- -slams into something hard- EMMETT!  
Emmett: YES! 'Tis I! The over-thirty-year-old-vampire, who by now should have learned everything, but insists on being a total retard! Look Cheese-Wiz! -sprays it everywhere-  
Bella: LIKE OMC!  
Emmett: -goes crazy inside store, knocking down isles and harassing employees-  
Random Employee: Sir, may I help you?  
Emmett: -throws red bouncy ball at R.E- PIKACHU I CHOOSE YOU! -runs into clothing racks-  
Edward and Cullen family: -poof into store-  
Rosalie: Even though I am so vain and conceited, I married an imbecile. -slaps Emmett- Yet, I'm still married to you. -slaps again-  
Everyone: -drag Emmett home-  
Author: -can't think off ending- Uhm...then Emmett magically turns into a butterfly and becomes king of Leprechaun world!!

**New Girl in Town**

Authored by **NotWhoYouThinkThisIs**

Bella: Hi! I'M BELLA! AND I'M TOTALLY COMPLETELY IRREVERSIBLY ASTONISHINGLY IN LOVE WITH EDWARD! -giggles-  
Edward: I Edward. Me love Bella. Roar.  
New Girl: -pops in from literally nowhere- Either I'm a vampire, or I'm a new girl who happens to be related to Bella, or I'm just a random stranger that happens to pop into Edward's life! WHOO HOO!  
Bella: -blink blink-  
Edward: Bella. Blood! Smell nice.  
New Girl: Well, anyhoo, after going on a long journey over discovering my most likely traumatic past, I'll suddenly be threatening Edward's and Bella's relationship! -gasp! I know you NEVER saw this coming!-  
Bella: -burst into tears- MY LIFE IS RUINED EVEN THOUGH EDWARD ISN'T TO BLAME AT ALL AND IT'S ALL THAT RANDOM NEW CHARACTERS FAULT! I'LL BLAME EDWARD ANYWAY! EDWARD HAS MURDERED MY SOUL!  
Edward: Me confused. Me do nothing. Bella over reacting?  
Bella: NO!  
Edward: Me sad.  
New Girl: like, OMC! Either I feel totally awful, or I just don't care!  
-random guy shows up in the distance-  
New Girl: WHOA! Isn't he like a total hottie? -giggles- I'll just go off with HIM!  
Bella: OMC! MY LIFE IS BACK!  
Edward: Bella better now?  
-Bella nods-  
All: HOORAY!  
Alice: -comes back from wherever she was- What'd I miss?

**OMC I'M KIDNAPPED!**

Authored by **NothingButTrouble**

Bella: Oh, I'll, like, skip around after dark in an unused passageway for no reason and with no regard for my safety whatsoever!  
Volturi/Evil Random Dude Nobody's Ever Heard of Before: Let's kidnap Bella for no reason! Kidnaps Bella  
Bella: Noo! Edward! Save me!  
Edward: Oh noes, my Bella sense is tingling! I must save her!

At Volterra/Evil Random Unheard-Of Dude's Hideout

Volturi/ERDNEHO: Haha! We have you now!  
Bella: Like, OMC, someone help me, even though I'm untied and there is a door right behind me as well as a conveniently placed helicopter with a full gas tank and the fact I know how to pilot a helicopter even though I've never been taught!  
Edward:-miraculously arrives- Oh Bella, how could I ever leave you?  
Insert shamelessly mushy scene here  
Volturi/ERDNEHO: You can't get away!-slices off Edwards head with machete so sharp it pierces vampire skin  
Bella: Noes!  
Alice: Even though I'm clearly a psychic, I never saw that coming! Ah well, I'm gonna go shop. La-ti-da!  
Everybody: Hooray!  
Bella: Quiet! This is a touching moment!  
Everyone: Sorry. -quieter- Hoorah!

**Abusive Jake** (because what ARE clichés without abuse?)

Authored by **SMARTALIENQT **(Who gets the 'Best Jakehater' Award!!)

Bella: --sees Edward on motorcycle-- Why are you on a motorcycle, Edward?  
Edward: Bella, even though we both love each other to the point of suicide, and this is getting incredibly old... I have decided to leave you. For– how many times have I done this, again?  
Narrater: I dunno... twenty-two?  
Edward: OK, then, twenty-two times! So long, Bells! --rides off into sunset--  
Bella: --stares dumbly for a few minutes-- EDWARD!! NOO!!  
Jake: --just happens to be walking by-- Bella, I love you! I have always loved you! I always will love you! And kittens. But mostly you! Will you marry me?  
Bella: Even though I should probably hope Edward should come back and _not_ go with his arch-enemy behind his back... I WUV, JAKIE-POO!  
--Ten years/months/minutes/seconds later--  
Jake: ARGH! My love has revealed to me (through an insane plot twist- Narrater: Giggle) that she actually only married me to have someone because no one wanted her/be mean to Edward! I am angry, hear me roar! --squeaks--  
Bella: Oh no! Jake is hitting me over the head with a pillow! And squeaking! Who will save me?  
--In Africa--  
Edward: Yeah, I'm just chilling, feeding on defenseless gazelles, hanging with my homies. What could possibly go wrong?  
Alice: Oh Eddie-poo!  
Edward: That's worse than "Edward my love".  
Alice: Oh. Sorry. But I have just had a vision! (You thought you could get away from the cliche? Well...)  
Edward: What? What is this vision?  
Alice: Bella is being abused by Jake, who married her after you left her ten years/months/minutes/seconds ago! And I had no idea!  
Edward: What happened to my spidey senses?  
Alice: I dunno. BLAME THE WRITER'S STRIKE!  
Edward: But it's over now.  
Alice: Shh! _They_ don't know that...  
Edward: I must go and save Bella!  
--Dashes off in knight-esque way--  
Narrater: Meanwhile, back at Jake's house...  
Bella: Help! Help! Who will save me?  
Edward: --smashes through window-- 'Tis I, Edward, and I have come to save you!  
Bella: My hero! --swoons--  
--Edward and Jake battle it out like real men (HAR!). To be sensitive to the Jake fans out there who have unwittingly stumbled upon this and completely missed all other anti-Jake paraphernalia, the author has omitted the actual blow-by-blow. Long story short: Edward wins. Jake loses. End of discussion.--  
Bella: --awakens-- Oh my! Edward, you saved me!  
Edward: Bella, I love you! Will you marry me?  
Bella: Even though I am already married to that abusive scumbag Jake, of course!  
Jake: And that fight made me see the error of my ways, so I am divorcing you, Bella, so you can live with Edward!  
Everybody: Yay!  
Narrater: What about the "scene"?  
Author: Oh yeah... --insert "scene" here--  
Everybody: Now that that's cleared up... yay!

**Bella 2.0**

Authored by **randomnerd** ( aren't we all…)

Jacob: Like, I'm so sad. Bella left me for Edward..-sniff-  
--running in forest—  
--runs into pretty girl who looks like Bella—  
Jacob: OMC, you look so much like Bella. I love you…  
Pretty Girl: I love you too because I'm like a werewolf and just imprinted on you.  
--Jacob and pretty girl walk off into sunset—  
--few weeks later—  
Preacher: Like, kiss your bride!  
--Jacob and pretty girl make out—  
Jacob: Oh I love you even though I wish Bella was in your spot.  
Pretty Girl: I love you too…though I do wish you would shut up about this Bella girl…  
--Few years later—  
Vampire Bella: Like, OMC, I remember this place..  
--runs off—  
Jacob: I smell something weird…ugh…  
--runs into Bella—  
Bella: Like OMC, Jake it is you! You're so hot…  
Jacob: OMC, you are a vampire…you smell funny, but I miss you so I'll give you a hug anyway…  
--Bella and Jacob hug—  
Bella: You stink…but like I still love you but love Edward more…  
Jacob: Come meet my wife…like I love you too, but imprinted on her…  
--Bella and Jake run off to meet the pretty girl...—  
--arrive at house—  
Pretty girl: Like OMC, it's my twin sister Bella!  
Bella: Like pretty girl, you're a werewolf? How did this happen?...you are my sister…strange  
Pretty girl: Oh well, let's just talk and ignore our different situations…

Everyone: Yay?

**Eaten.**

Authored by **alice and edward cullen** (the Alice half)

Jasper: Like OMG I am a totally savage beast who wants Bella's blood NOW! Hear me roar! –ROARS-  
Bella: Like OMG Jasper, being even more blood lusting than a newborn vampire even though he is like 100 years old is like totally out to get me!  
Edward: (far far away) dumpty dumpty dum.. I am like nowhere near Bella and momentarily have like no interest in the happenings of her life because I like am totally hunting mountain lions! –licks lips-. Lalalalaa  
Alice: OMG like my Jazzybear is going to eat Be – O OMC SHOES!! –squeals and runs away-  
Jasper: GRR I want to eat the love of my brother's life, which will then like totally like cause him to go to the Volturi and beg for them to kill him. But HEY I don't care! –Eats Bella-  
Edward: -magically appears out of nowhere- NOO! YOU LIKE KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND! –runs off to Volturi-  
Alice: How could you! and even though you are like totally the love of my entire life I'll never EVER talk to you again. We are like SO over. And because of you I like totally have to go and save Edward! –Saves Edward-  
Edward: OMG you like saved me! And like OMG I have now seen the light Alice! You are my one and only true love! –forgets all about Bella-  
Alice: OMG same here! You like totally read my mind! And even though I would never do that to Jasper and would totally forgive him I am like SO in love with you.  
-Starts making out-  
Everyone: HOORAY!

Personal Editor's Audience: But what about the memory of Bella?

Edward: Who?

P.E.A: … -facepalm-

**-le sob- I LOVE MY REVIEWERS! We have fresh blood in AOTC! And lots of LONG fics! And you all are kickass for sticking around this long. Maybe AOTC will make it to its one-year mark?**

**Only if you make it happen!**

**Lots of love to the amazing readers – **

**Mal and Elise**


	24. FANFICTION THEFT!

So, I don't know how many of you have realized this, but there's a new cliché story out there

**So, I don't know how many of you have realized this, but there's a new cliché story out there. The author, emoduckie123, calls it "Cliches Overused Plots and Stupid Authors Oh My!" Ok, that's all well and good – there's other cliché stories out there, I know this.**

**BUT THIS GIRL STOLE ATTACK OF THE CLICHES.**

**No lie. Chapter 9 of hers was in chapter 22 of AOTC and written by baka-basher. And the last chapter of hers… hey, everyone here remembers the ice cream cone line, right?**

**So I'm asking you as my reviewers to give this girl a message that I've been giving her all day – NO ONE messes with the people of AOTC. NO ONE.**

**Who's with me!? Send her a review telling her, a PM, or even report her (like I did). WE WON'T TAKE IT!**


	25. THANK YOU LOVELY READERS!

OMC

**OMC! Guys, we did it! The story thief has retracted her copylicious story!**

**I saw all your flames, and Mal flamed too. I AM SO PROUD! –sob-**

**Thank you for your loyalty!!**

**Pssh, NO ONE messes with AOTC! HI FIVE!**

**My birthday is in 1 month or so, so I'll be posting a new chapter then as a gift to myself. Submit, please!!**

**And now a word for our Malster – **

_**HEYYY, people! Way to go on the whole eliminate-the-copier job. Couldn't have done it better myself. I was on your side the whole time.**_

_**So keep it up with the reviews, clichés, and concrit and AOTC will reach its one year birthday!!**_

**OOH, good point. Dya want us to last a year? Then R,R, and WRITE!**

**XOXO**

**Mal-Elise**


	26. RW Mega Super Chapter 6

Twilight the Musical

**Happy birthday to MEEEEEE, happy birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE!!**

**And welcome to the latest chapter of Attack of the Clichesss!!**

**Mal: We worked to get internet working in the place we're stayin', so LOVE US FOR IT! –blows kiss!-**

**Read!**

**Twilight the Musical!**

Authored by **Falling Rain Forever**

Principal: Ok students. The school is going to put on a very random musical. This is a very stupid plan, and I apologize. It wasn't my idea.  
Bella: OMC! Yayness! A musical, I love musicals!  
Edward: Me too. I know, let's be the main characters, who fall madly in love and end up dying in each other's arms!  
Bella: Awesome! You always have the best ideas Eddie...  
-smutty make out scene-  
Principal: Ok, we have picked the characters. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen will be the main characters who end up falling in love and dying in each other's arms. It doesn't even matter that they have no singing ability!  
Bella: OMC! Yayness!  
Edward: I have to go tell the rest of the family!  
Carlisle: That sounds very interesting. Unfortunately, I have better things to do. -Vanishes-  
Alice: OMC! I want a part!  
Rosalie: Do you b--es think I care? -Vanishes-  
Jasper: Go away. I'm busy being emo. -picks up pointy device-  
Emmett: I want a part too!  
Esme: That sounds very nice. Shall I make some cookies?  
Bella: But...you're a vampire.  
Esme: No, stupid! They're for you! -holds out cookie-  
Bella: I'm actually not very hungry.  
Esme: -growls- Take the cookie.  
Bella: Ok, ok! I'm taking the cookie!  
Edward: Put the cookie down, Bella. We have to practice!  
Bella: Sure thing, really. -sets down cookie-  
Edward: Can you sing?  
Bella: Not worth a damn. What about you?  
Edward: Me neither. I know! We can lip-synch!  
Bella: Cool!  
-Day of the musical-  
Bella: I'm so nervous, Edward. Comfort me!  
-smutty make out scene-  
Bella: You ruined my makeup!  
-they go stage and start to sing-  
Bella (lip-synching): La dee da dee da dee da.  
Edward (lip-synching): Hum diddly um dee dum.  
-they kiss-  
Bella (Lip-synching): -starts to sing horrendously stupid song-  
-insert horrendously stupid music-  
Bella: Oh no, I just randomly started to die! Save me Eddie!  
Edward: I'm dying, too! I can't!  
-they die in each others' arms-  
Everyone: Hooray!  
Bella: -lifts up head- No, dumb a-- people, you're supposed to cry!  
Everyone: Oh.

--

**College, Baby!**

Authored by **Falling Rain Forever** (oh, very nice, two worthy of the chap!)

Bella: OMC, we are, like, in college!  
Alice: OMC, even though we're obviously too dumb to have been accepted here!  
Rosalie: -licks lips- where can I find myself soem man-candy?  
Edward: Hello, gorgeous human triplets who look nothing alike. Would you like to meet my equally handsome brothers?  
Emmet: Dude, those girls are like, total bs. But also very hot.  
Jasper: I agree. Let's start a pointless feud against them.  
Edward: Sure. -glares at sisters- I hate you. Even though I obviously want to make out with you.  
Bella: I agree. Let's just make out anyway.  
-they make out-  
Alice: Hm, I think I'll take the one who doesn't resemble a bear.  
Jasper: S'okay with me.  
-they make out-  
Rosalie: I guess I'm stuck with the hunky dude.  
Emmett: Hey.  
Rosalie: -gives him a look of disgust- Let's make out.  
Emmett: fo shizzle.  
-they make out-  
Mike: Bella! I thought we had something special!  
Jacob: Me too!  
Bella: Whatever, lame-o dudes. Just leave.  
-they magically disappear-  
Everyone: Yay!  
Bella: Shut up! Can't you tell we're busy over here?!

--

**The Incredible Singing Lemon!!**

Authored by **SplashofSilverInk**

Bella: Like, Hi Edward! I am so happy I am here with you in your empty house while your family is mysteriously absent.  
Edward: Yeah, like ditto, and... Whoa, do you hear that song, which lyrics appear in italics between our lines?  
Bella: Of course not, silly, I am too caught up lusting after you.

-Insert first romantic song lyric in italics here-

Edward: Hmm, you do look particularly sexy today. I love the way blue looks on you.  
Bella: Yeah, I totally wear blue now whenever I am trying to seduce you.

-Insert next lyric-

Edward: Bella, suddenly I feel the urge to... you know... do IT with you.  
Bella: That's what I was going for, because I no longer want to wait, and have been trying to get in your pants this whole story.  
Edward: And, yeah, screw morals, and wanting to make it special.

-Insert next lyric, preferably the refrain-

-Continue with Lemon Narrated by Song-

Alice: Surprise, I just got back from SHOPPING!  
Bella & Edward: Le GASP!  
Jasper: Don't worry, we were just on our way to our room to get hot and heavy to some German pop song Alice has been listening to.  
Bella: Oh, that's cool then.  
Edward: But where are Rosalie and Emmett?

-music drifts from Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom... "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls-

Everyone: HOORAY!

--

**Bella Swan in: Girls Gone Wild!**

Authored by **AuthorAngel** (welcome back!)

Bella: So like, even though Stephenie Meyer has described me as shy, in this story I am going to be a total bee-yotch wh-re who is on a reality show!  
Big Shot TV Guy: It'll be like Rock of Love! Only sl-ttier!  
Bella: Yay!

Bella: Hi guys! I'm Bella! And if you win my affection you get to like, feel me up!  
Mike, Tyler, Eric, Random Guy: Oh! -stare at chest-  
Low Sexy voice: I don't care about what you look like.  
-Cue all the guys staring at the guy, who is in the shadows-  
Mike: You are crazy. Bella...aren't I your true love? -stares lustfully at "bosom"-  
-Low sexy voice guy steps out-  
Edward: Leave her alone you pervert. -Bella gasps-  
Bella: OHMIFRICKINGEE! HE'S SO HAWT WITH AN "AWT!" Come here you big sexy guy! -kisses Edward and starts stripping off his clothes.-  
Tyler: Sweet! A--!

Big Shot TV Guy: Bella, you're fired.  
Bella: Why?  
Big Shot TV Guy: For flashing the camera before ten. This show airs at eight, a family hour. You're also being sued.  
Bella: -rolls eyes- Whatev. Just get out so I can have sex again.

Little 5 year old: Mommy!  
Fat Middle Aged Woman: What? -looks at TV with Bella flashing the camera- OH GOD HONEY SHIELD YOUR EYES!

--

**OMC We're Like Reunited!**

Authored by **edwardluver925**

Bella: Doo diddly diddly dumm... I feel like going to forks! Bye family!  
Random Vampire Family: BYE BELLA!  
Bella: So... on my way to a random town... WOOT... I wonder if I'll know anyone in this amazingly small town... not likely but WHO KNOWS?  
Edward: I am so sad at school...  
Alice: Why Edward? Why are you sad?  
Edward: I HAVE JUST RANDOMLY LOST MY LOVE!  
Alice: LIKE OMC WHO?  
Edward: Her name was Bella... and although I have not remembered her since now I am still like so totally sad!  
Alice: Well I don't care so I'm going to TOTALLY just stop looking at visions and go SHOPPING!  
Edward: OK! That is TOTALLY just NOT a bad idea at all!  
Bella: I FEEL VAMPIRES!  
Cullen Family: OO LOOK SOMETHING SHINY! LET'S BE DISTRACTED BY IT!  
Bella: OMC It's my lost love!  
Edward: Like, OMC, who could you be?  
Bella: I'm Bella!  
Edward: NO FREAKING WAY! I LIKE TOTALLY LOVE YOU!  
Bella: OMC AND I LOVE YOU!  
Bella and Edward: NO WAY!  
Cullens: HURRAY! Edward isn't EMO anymore but he was only EMO for like a day so WHO CARES! Not us, that's for sure.  
Rosalie: I hate you Bella. I HATE you.  
Bella: WHY!  
Rosalie: The author can't think of a good reason so they are never going to tell you but I'll get over it in a few months.  
Bella: YAY!  
Edward: MARRY ME BELLA!  
Bella: I may not remember you very well and the author does not remember how long we have been together –cough- three days –cough- BUT YES!  
Edward: WOOT!  
**The... End?**

--

**Bella Who?**

Authored by **Too Far Gone-Never Coming Back**

Bella: I think I'll go stand in the street until a car hits me. Oh, wait I can't because I don't exist!  
Carlisle: How about we all move to some random town where this Betty person lives  
Esme: Whatever you say!  
Emmett: I'm with Rose.  
Rosalie: -shrugs, pops bubble gum, applies lip gloss, and files fingers because her fingernails have been filed away since they are dead cells and vampires can't grow them back- Sure.  
Alice: Do they have a mall?  
Jasper: Er...no, sorry Alice -makes Alice happy with superpower-  
Edward: I don't care because I've lost every ounce of personality expressed within the books.  
Carlisle: What books?  
Edward: -cough- I... said... nothing...?  
Carlisle: Okay, Let's go!  
-Cullens move to Betty's town-  
Betty: OMC it's mysterious people who I just happen to know look like vampires! I think I'll go talk to them. -skips happily to Cullen house- -rings doorbell-  
Edward: -burst through door without opening it- Betty, your mind is incredibly interesting!  
Betty: That doesn't sound weird at all because I just totally already knew you could read minds! And I'm paying no attention whatsoever to all of the splinters in my eyes!  
Alice: Hello, Betty I wanna be your best friend!  
Rosalie: OOH! OOH! ME TOO!  
Betty: Like, OMC, you can BOTH totally be my best friends!  
Rosalie: Fine -sticks out tongue- I KNOW YOU LIKE ALICE BETTER! -immediately calms down from explosion and files almost non-existent fingers-  
Alice: Hey! I lost my power to see the future!  
Edward: Betty, I'm going to randomly start making out with you and skip the whole romantic thing since I'm a totally different person than in the books!  
Betty: okay!  
-makes out-  
Alice and Rosalie: WHAT FREAKING BOOKS!  
Edward: -pulls away from Betty- Er, did I say books? I meant...box! -makes out with Betty again-  
Alice: That, like, totally makes sense! And because I lost my power, I didn't see any of this coming!  
Rosalie: Whatever. -files hand because all of her fingers are gone from vicious filing due to nerves about Betty liking Alice better-  
Edward: Betty, even though I just randomly fell in love with you today, I have to leave you for your own good!  
Betty: Okay, I have a date with some werewolves and a cliff!  
Edward: Er, you mean destiny?  
Betty: No, I mean werewolves and a cliff!  
Edward: Okay, -shrugs- bye!  
Betty: -jumps off cliff-  
Edward: OMC! I have to go to Italy because I left the girl that I inexplicably fell in love with to die!  
Alice: No!  
Rosalie: Uh, Edward? Betty was miraculously saved by some random dude named Jacob.  
Edward: Okay. -returns to Betty- Betty I love you!  
-mushy gushy reunion-  
Rosalie: -twitch- BETTY! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME BETTER? -files rest of hand off- STOP BEING ALL MUSHY AND TELL ME ALREADY! -files arm- BETTY! -whines-

Everybody: … -gags! on Betty-ness-

--

**OMC! We're All Human!**

Authored by **chitown4183**

Bella: Even though in the series Rose hates me, suddenly we're the closest sisters/best friends ever!  
Alice: Yah! And we're like randomly like going to like some like social thing I'm dragging Bella too!  
(later in the club)  
Rose: Oh my gosh! Even though I should hate Bella, I'm going to point out the totally hot guy I've randomly seen!  
Alice: Yeah! He's so amazing, but the guy next to him is cuter! I have like, a feeling that we're like, meant to be!  
Bella: The one brooding by himself is like, the cutest!  
-The girls walk over to the boys even though Bella really should be too shy.-  
Alice: Like, oh my gosh! Who are you totally cute strangers?  
Boy 1: Our names are (wait for it….) Jasper, Emmet, and Edward (le gasp!) and we're best friends/brothers (whoa! I never saw that one coming)  
Emmet: Even though relationships should take more than 2 seconds, I'm in love with you, the blonde, who's name I don't even know!  
Rosalie: Yay! Even though I should be concerned that you don't know my name, I just realized I love you too!  
Jasper: And I love you, the tiny one who I don't know!  
Alice: I'm Alice  
Jasper: OMC (cause I had to fit it in somewhere)  
Alice: Yay! So let's like, walk off and leave our sister/best friend with a stranger while we talk somewhere else even though we don't know you at all!  
Emmet, Rosalie, Jasper: yay!  
Bella: Even though I'm shy I'll walk right up to you, stranger,and admit how much I love you!

Edward: Well, I don't love you!  
Bella: OMC -bursts into tears over random stranger-  
--2 minutes later--  
Edward: On second thought! Even though there are several other girls here the truth is I loved you the whole time! Let's get married even though I don't know your name!  
Bella: My name is Bella! And although my parents did this and it ended up badly, I say yes!  
--Alice, Rosalie, Emmet and Jasper appear--  
Alice: Like OMC! We're engaged too!  
Wait for it…  
2 months later  
Rosalie: My best friends/sisters, I'm so happy we're married. And now we miraculously find out that our husbands are billionaires even though we really should have known this before we married them!  
All: Yay!

--

**Vampire!Bella**

Authored by **MalesForTwilight**

Edward: OMGAH! THIS NEW CHIC IN TOWN LOOKS ODDLY LIKE A VAMPIRE... I WILL COMPLETELY IGNORE THIS BECAUSE MY CHARACTER IN THIS STORY IS A RETARD!  
Bella: HE WILL NEVER KNOW I AM A VAMPIRE! MWAHAHHA! -smiles evilly-  
Edward: -31 chapters later- OMGAH! I HAVE TAKEN THE OBVIOUS SIGNS AND HAVE REALIZED…  
-DRUM ROLL, PLEASE-  
Edward: BELLA IS A VAMPIRE!!  
-le gasp-  
Bella: Crap. You know. -frowns- well, I love you now, and because I am a vampire you will automatically love me as well.  
Edward: Okee dokee.  
-lovelovelove-  
Bella and Edward: WE'RE IN LOVE!  
-both skip off into the sunset holding hands-

All: Hooray!

--

**The Amazingly Long and Tedious Story in which Bella is Kidnapped and Loses Her Memory and is Raped by Aro and Becomes a Vampire!** –gasping for air-

Authored by **Very Scared To Post**

-Edward and Bella stand at the altar-  
Emmett: You may kiss the bride!  
Edward: THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. -leans in for a kiss-  
-Suddenly! Felix runs in and snatches Bella up, knocking Edward over the head with a blunt instrument-  
Edward: GEH! I AM STUNNED.  
Emmett: I AM STUPID.  
Rosalie: I AM A B--.  
CARLISLE: I AM A CHRISTIAN! HELP US LORD! -Gets down on his knees, and prays-  
Alice: I'll help! But wait! I'm not wearing my super special rescue Bella outfit with matching accessories! -runs off to change-  
Jasper: I AM OVERCOME WITH EMOTION! OH THE SUFFERING! WILL IT NEVER END!? -falls to the floor in a fetal position-  
-Everybody else including Felix looks at Esme-  
Esme: -shrug-  
Felix: Hah! -Runs away-  
Edward: NO! OMG MY LOVE IS BEING TAKEN AWAY AND I'M JUST STANDING HERE! NO!  
-Dramatic music!-

-Bella wakes up in the dungeon of the Volturi's castle-  
Bella: Muuwa? Who am I? Where am I?  
Aro: Guess what Bella!? –grin- You're a vampire! -sprinkles confetti- And I raped you! -sprinkles more confetti-  
Bella: Um...okay. Why do I remember the name Edward?  
Aro: -shifty eyes- That was your...dog. Which I ran over...with my Mystery Van.  
Bella: Ah. That makes sense. I'm going to go dress like a whore now.  
-With the Cullens-  
Edward: Carlisle, what do we do!?  
Carlisle: Gee I dunno, who could possibly have taken Bella? Who could have the vampires, the time, and the information that it would take to kidnap Bella? WHO!? HELP US LORD!  
Esme: Anybody, that's who!  
-Edward curls up in a corner and cries-: -How can you see into my eyes like open doors... leading you down into my core-  
-Jasper joins him in the corner of emo-ness-: Where I've become so numb... without a soul... my spirit sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it back home...  
-Jasper and Edward Together-: Wake me up! Wake me up inside-can't wake up!-Wake me up inside-Save me!-Call my name and save me from the dark...  
-Emmett stares stupidly into space-  
Alice: You know what we need now? A vacation! OMG ROADTRIP!  
Edward: -sobs- I'm going to get the Volturi to kill me now.  
Alice: ROADTRIP!!  
-The Cullens gather up in a van and drive to Italy-  
-Bella sits on a throne and pouts-: Gosh darn it. I'm SAD. Even using all of my amazing vampire powers like telepathy, telekinesis and the ability to trip is of no interest!  
-The Cullen van bursts through a wall-  
Edward: BELLA!  
Bella: OMG IT'S MY DOG, EDWARD!  
Edward: What? No...No I'm not your dog! I'm the love of your life!  
Alice: She's lost her memory of being human! Oh no!  
Esme: What will we do?!  
Carlisle: HELP US LORD!  
-Rosalie whacks Bella with a blunt instrument-  
Bella: I remember everything!  
Carlisle: You've saved the day Rosalie!  
Rosalie: Uh. Yeah. Whatever, I hate you all.  
-Edward hugs Vampire Bella-: I missed you so much! Now let's go live happily ever after!  
Bella: Yay! Only, I'm pregnant. With Jacob's love child.  
Edward- What the F--!?  
END. (THIS WINS THIS ISSUE'S GOLD STAR! You should NOT have been scared!!)

--

**In da Club**

Authored by **MalesForTwilight** (good job writing two!)

Bella: -at a club- MUST HAVE SEX WITH FIRST GUY I SEE! OOH, WHO'S THAT ONE DUDE WITH GREEN EYES! PRETTY!  
Edward: Ugh. I'm sad for a random reason which will never be reveled. Ooh, that one person with brown eyes is hot. She's coming over! -squeals-  
Bella: SEX WITH ME.  
Edward: Okie Dokie!  
-insert overly graphic lemon-  
Bella: Woopsie daisie, school day, gotta go!  
Edward: -sleep-  
-a week later in Wal-Mart-  
Bella: -sigh- I miss that guy I had a one night stand with that I will never see again because I live in the "huge" town of Forks.  
Edward: -bumps into Bella- BELLA!  
Bella: How'd you know my name?  
Edward: This is horrible fanfiction, you don't have to know.  
Bella: Okay then!  
-Bella and Edward skip out of Wal-Mart, cheerios in hand, and get married even though she's in high school and he's like, 42-

A/N: I found this later on today… "Emmett and Jasper throw Edward a bachelor party, at a bar! Who does Edward meet, what a mystery girl/stripper. Do I sense forbidden love? All HUMAN!" –cough-CLICHÉ-cough-

--

**Tanya Man-Stealer!**

Authored by **ladyhawk89**

Bella: (Home alone while Edward is hunting) Ain't no sunshine when he's gone. It's not warm while he's away. Ain't no sunshine when he's gone, and he's always gone too long, anytime he goes away! Bum BUM bum…  
Bella: Gee, I'm so lonely without Edward, and even though I've got a mountain of homework to do, e-mails from Renee to reply to, and a brand new book to read, I'm going to sit in my room and mope. My life is trash!  
Edward: Bella! I'm home!  
Bella: Eddie!! How was the hunting trip? Did you get my text messages?  
Edward: Yup...all 300 of them.  
Bella: Wait, I thought I sent 377 texts.  
Edward:...There was no more room in my memory for them.  
Bella: Oh, oops -blushes an unnatural neon red-  
Edward: Well, there's a reason I'm here tonight...  
Bella: To bask in the bundle of love and adorable humanness that is me? (Throws arms around Edward's middle)  
Edward: (Gently peels Bella's arms off) Ri-ight...well, there's actually another reason why I'm here.  
Tanya: (comes through Bella's window and wraps her arms around Edward's neck) Eddie baby, did you tell her?  
Bella: (crosses her arms and glares at Tanya) Tell me what?  
Tanya: (holds hand out and shows off Edward's mother's ring) We're getting married!  
Bella: Blonde vampire ho say what? Edward, what's she talking about?  
Edward: -sigh- I ran into Tanya on my hunting trip and she looked so pretty that I completely forgot that I'm your boyfriend and made out with her in the woods...sorry, but she's a better kisser, so I'm leaving you and marrying her, even though the last time we were together, she practically threw herself at me and I was completely uninterested.  
Bella: -sobs- B-but why? How c-could you do this to me? After all we've been through! You said you'd never leave me again! Why are you so interested in her all of the sudden?  
Edward: (shrugging shoulders) I dunno. Just happened?  
Bella: You stupid closet playboy! I hate you! Leave! No, wait! Stay! I can't live without you! (Bella grabs Edward's arm) I love you!!  
Tanya: (pulls Bella away from Edward) Please, have some self respect. You're embarrassing me.  
Bella: (turns to Tanya angrily) And you! You live in frickin' Alaska! What the heck are you doing in Washington?  
Tanya: (shrugging shoulders) I don't know, actually. Plot development? You're not supposed to question the author, you know.  
(Without a final glance, Edward and his new bride leave Bella sobbing in her room)  
Bella: (runs to the window and yells into the night) Edward! Don't forget my number! You don't have to call no one else! Send it off in a letter to yourself!  
Charlie: (rushes into Bella's room) Would you shut up? Normal people are trying to sleep!  
Bella: Waaaahh! No one understands my pain!

--

**Couple Confusion**

Authored by **NotWhoYouThinkThisIs**

-Bella's house-  
Bella: Jasper! I'M BORED! Lyk, Idk y do u lyk, have to baby sit me all the time! I'M A MATURE ADULT!  
Jasper: -sighs- I don't get it either Belly-bells... I'm hardly the most suitable person for this, aren't i?  
Bella: Heehee, you can't resist my blood! You can't resist my blood! :D  
Jasper: ...no... I can't. Guess what else I can't resist now?  
Bella: Lyk, Idk... wut?  
Jasper: Hmm...-slow jazz music starts playing in the background- How are you feeling?  
Bella: A li'l hawt...and bothered... and OMC JAZZY UR SO YUMMEH! COME TO MY ARMS! FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT EDWARD IS THE MEANING TO MY EXISTANCE! KISS ME!  
Jasper: I knew you'd say that... let's get our groove thang on.  
Bella: OMC! Can you read minds TOO?!  
Jasper: ...let's just make out already!  
-Bella and Jasper start making out for no reason. Forget that Alice is Jasper's soul and that she probably could see this happening. Oh no, they are making out anyway-  
-in a faraway place-  
Edward: Me like mountain lion.  
Alice: OMCOMCOMCOMCOMC! MY GUCCI SHOES ARE RUINED! AND MAH PRADA PURSE! LYK WTH!?  
Edward: Aww... me sorry. Want stomach?  
Alice: Oh, sur- OMC! EDDIE-POO! MY BEST FRIEND AND HUBBY ARE CHEATING ON US! LYK OMC!  
Edward: Blood, blood, blood :)... wha?? :(  
Alice: THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO! -grabs Edward and starts passionately making out with him-  
Edward: Wow, isn't my little sister sexy? -magically returns feelings that he -hasn't- had ever and hasn't developed them in oh say... 50 years?!-  
Alice: Now take me shopping!!  
Edward: ...okay...  
-At the Cullen house!-  
Emmett: Clearly our love is the strongest.  
Rosalie: Damn straight. Wanna do it?  
Emmett: w00t!  
Everyone: IT ALL WORKED OUT! WHO CARES THAT WE ALL BETRAYED EACH OTHER? EVERYONE IS HAPPY! YAY!

--

**A True ATTACK OF THE CLICHES**

Authored by **dreaming in black and white**

Bella: -wakes up- Let me see, my list of things to do today…Start randomly irritating Edward by suddenly referring to him as 'Eddie'…try and seduce said Eddie…get kidnapped/attacked because I have a center of the universe complex and everybody with the remotest sort of power wants to kill me/fall in love with me, etc…  
Edward: Yay! Let's go to my house and you can do all that there!  
Rosalie: -sits sulking inexplicably, reading magazines and filing fingernails- I hate you, Bella.  
Bella: Aaw, don't worry, we'll end up best friends by the end of this story when we decide to gang up on the boys.  
Alice: I know, let's play strip poker because that's not weird at all to do in front of your ENTIRE family!  
Everyone: Yay!  
Emmett: I know, let's all get DRUNK! Even though we can't actually ingest anything as we're vampires…  
Everybody: -gets drunk-  
Rosalie: -rolls eyes, files fingernails- This is all beneath me because I'm so self-centered and obviously superior. But I'll still go and play kinky dress-up games with Emmett.  
Edward: My mind! -Rolls on floor clutching head- Scarred for life!  
Tanya: I've suddenly decided to come and visit from Alaska – hi! By the way, let's all go and kill werewolves!  
Cullens: Yay! That sounds like a good idea, because we're all drunk! -Go to La Push-  
Jacob: Tanya! Even though you're a vampire and everything about you disgusts me, I've imprinted on you!  
Tanya: And I fell in love with you too!  
Jacob: Sorry, Bella.  
-insert JacobxTanya scene-  
Bella: Even though I'm so totally over Jacob, I'm going to become depressed and run away in tears.  
Edward: -Curled up on the floor in a fetal ball- No! Bella! No –  
Bella: -Meets new vampire whose presence wipes away all memory of Edward. Falls in love- Wow! I love you so much! And I'm going to marry you because I've suddenly got over the fear of commitment my abusive mother pounded into me!  
Edward: – o –  
Bella: -Turns on radio- Wowee, this song like totally describes my life! And made me decided that I still love Edward after all! -Runs through cornfield...falls into Edward's arms- Eddie! Forgive me!  
Edward: -still writhing in self-pity- – o... Oh, hi Bella. -coughs, embarrassed- Of course I forgive you, my love. I love you too much to ever hold any sort of grudge against you and am incapable of questioning your sudden, uncharacteristic mood-swings!  
Bella: I have multiple personality disorder so whenever I wake up I'm a different person! -sob-  
Edward: It's all right. I forgive you. And I have suddenly decided to disregard everything I've stood for over the past, what, 100 years and sleep with you now.  
-insert mushy EdwardxBella scene HERE-  
New Vampire (the one Bella fell in love with): -Clomps up the stairs even though vampires move silently- Bella? Where are you, my love? -Sees Bella with Edward, who has suddenly lost all super-vampire hearing and mind-reading capabilities- No! How could you, Bella?  
Bella: Oops, I forgot about that...oh no, I'm starting to feel dizzy...-Swoons in Edward's arms-  
Alice: Wow, I didn't see this coming because I suddenly lost all ability to see the future! Gosh!  
New Vampire: -goes on random rampage, destroys all shops-

Alice: NO! WE can't take Bella to Victoria's Secret and make her buy sluttish underwear! -curls up on floor screaming- Must...shop... -Ends up in Wal-Mart buying random things according to a color scheme-  
Jasper and Emmett: We must find Alice! -Run to Wal-Mart-  
Rosalie: Emmett went to Wal-Mart! How could he? -breaks down in tears- He'll act like an idiot there!  
New Vampire (still the one Bella fell in love with – wow, actual continuity here): I have mysteriously disappeared! -Mysteriously disappears and is wiped from the Cullens' memories-  
Narrator: Um…running out of ideas here so…  
-insert CarlisexEsme/MikexJessica scene here for the hell of it-  
Edward: Aargh! My mind!  
Jasper: Too…much…lust…-projects feelings so Edward and Emmett start inexplicably making out-  
Rosalie: -files fingernails- Let's get back at the boys. Bella, will you be my BFF?  
Bella: Of course! -gloats to self- I told you so!

Edward: Bella, my love! I've discovered a magic potion that means I can become human again! I'll do it for you! -drinks potion- Isn't it wonderful? Now we can die together like I always wanted.  
Bella: No!  
Edward: All the clichés in the world won't stop my love for you, Bella…unless I fall in love with someone else.  
Bella: Aaw, I love you Edward. Eddie.  
-BellaxEdward scene- (because you can't end in any other way)

--

**So I cut this one a bit short because it's already 13 pages in MS word! –gasp- Way to go with your bounceback after the plagiarism attack!! I welcome my new authors with a tray of cookies and give the returners the overstuffed cookie jar.**

**Mal: COOKIE!**

**Riiight… so anyway, read, review, hate Jake, and look forward to BREAKING DAWN!!**

**-e—m-**


	27. A Note On Breaking Dawn

Let me say something to answer an onslaught of reviews that sound like this:

**Let me say something to answer an onslaught of reviews that sound like this:**

"**This is just like the Breaking Dawn plotline!"**

"**All the clichéd authors beat Steph Meyer to it!"**

**And etc. Now, I will make one thing very clear. It is the airheadedness and utter lack of acknowledgement to canon that makes these stories clichéd. Bella's pregnancy cliché, for instance, is one where she hops merrily along and has a baby normally. Steph made it REAL. NO ONE on Fanfiction has written it the same as that, I can guarantee.**

**And Jake imprinting on Bella's daughter? Hmmm, NORMALLY doesn't happen when he's trying to kill her in clichés!!**

**Let's not forget to mention the Bella Immunity To Blood. In Breaking Dawn, she is NOT IMMUNE. She struggles, but her shield ability (which makes perfect sense) helps her with the struggle.**

**And Charlie? Not engagement-happy as in clichés. He would have destroyed Bella if he didn't think Renee would do it for him.**

**There's many parts of Breaking Dawn that lean toward the cliché, I'll grant you that. But it's the simple fact that Stephenie Meyer included the important bits that veered it from cliché that makes Breaking Dawn one of a kind. She did what AOTC is trying to inspire authors on Fanfiction to do – she took clichés and made them one of a kind.**

**Don't flame Breaking Dawn. Nothing has ever struck such a hard blow against the clichés we war against than to take them un un-cliché them.**

**-Elise**

**-Mal**


End file.
